I Survived the Wilderness!

We did it! We went camping. And we only got into one fight. What happened was it was midnight and these guys were drunk and fishing for crawdaddies right in front of our tent and generally being loud and and I said to Fancyhats:

“I’m going out there.”

Fancyhats: No.

Me: Yes.

Fancyhats: No, they’ll make fun of you.

Me: I’m a mom, I don’t care.

Fancyhats: They won’t stop.

Me: I never want to camp again. I am sleeping on the hard ground, peeing in a pit and being woken up by jerks. I HATE THIS.

Fancyhats: [getting up and putting clothes on and telling the guys to move it along, which they did.]

After that, we had a blast. My most favorite part was swimming in the lake. Our site was steps away from a beautiful lake and we just marched down there and took a dip. It was freezing and only about 70 degrees outside so I’d swim out and feel like I couldn’t breathe because I was sure my heart was stopping from the bitter cold, but then I’d swim back and it was awesome.

We went with the Seeger family and Arch and their son played the whole time. The kids from the site next to ours wandered between our camp and theirs and they were great.

The pit toilet was not great. I disliked that.

But everything else was awesome. We ate yummy food and hung around and went for walks and it was lovely. I will do it again next year. FOR SURE.

Except next time, I’M GOING OUT THERE AND YELLING AT THE JERKS.

D-Day or C-Day

After work today, we’re going camping. This has taken up a lot of brain space, internet. Two nights ago, I was sleeping and woke up with the worst pain in my upper back. Fancyhats woke up and had to help me because I couldn’t even roll over I was in so much pain. And I’d been dreaming about camping.

I’m telling you, I’d rather take a stroll through the projects than take a stroll through the woods. The wilderness frightens me. When I lived in Malibu on four acres of orchard, at night I’d pull up to my front door and RUN into the house. When I’m in Alaska and forced to use one of those pit toilets I seriously close my eyes and pray snakes don’t slither up and bite my bottom. I KNOW THERE ARE  NO SNAKES IN ALASKA.

I don’t get afraid of a lot, Internet. I’m not afraid of spiders or public speaking or maybe even death. But I am terrified of the wilderness. It’s just so quiet and so out of control. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PAVEMENT AND STREET LIGHTS, PEOPLE?!? It reminds me of a post-modernism class I co-taught. My co-teacher, when explaining why there needed to be rules, even in post-modernism, said, “They’re like stoplights. Without those, people go crashing into one another.” I like rules. I like them a lot.

I think people don’t understand how deep this fear of camping is for me. For a few days Fancyhats didn’t understand it until I broke it down for him. THERE IS A REASON I’M 35 AND HAVE NEVER BEEN CAMPING. But I’m going to go. I’m going to do it. I’m going to put a smile on my face, because Internet, if I am one thing, I am a woman who works in Public Relations. I can spin anything into gold. ANYTHING.

But you and I both know the truth. I might be smiling outside, but inside I’m like a cat trying to avoid a cat carrier.

Me-ow.

Big shout out to K8 for talking me off a serious camping-related ledge yesterday.

The Aggressive Swimmers Hate Me

Yesterday was aggressive swimmer day at the pool. The day before was also aggressive swimmer day and that day I made a tweet expressing my disgruntlement with the aggressive swimmers because I drank like seven cups of pool water in their wake. Well, yesterday there were aggressive swimmers as well and I was like, “MAN UP LIONESS. GO OUT THERE AND PUNCH THOSE PEOPLE IN THE BACKS OF THE HEADS WITH YOUR AGGRESSIVE CRAWL STROKE.”

So I got in the pool and said to the nearest aggressive swimmer, “Excuse me, do you mind if we share?” And he said, “OOF” because he was swimming so aggressively and I took that to mean, “Yes, small woman BUT WATCH OUT BECAUSE I’M GOING TO DROWN YOU WITH MY FISTS.”

I got in the lane with him and I did my best to skootch as a far over as possible so as not to die by drowning or PUNCH HIM IN HIS BACK WITH MY FLIPPERS OF IRON. And as I was swimming back, he was standing there resting after his swimming and I noticed his chest, which I’m pretty sure I could have bounced a roll of quarters off of. And then I had to rest too. And I sat there for a moment and pretended to rest and seriously worried for myself for a couple of reasons. 1) I was admiring him. ADMIRING HIM. Since going out with Fancyhats, I don’t really admire men, except Ken who I’m not giving up. 2) I might have admired him a bit too much. Because he moved to another lane. With an equally aggressive swimmer.

So I started swimming again and I noticed a woman come into the pool and I thought, oh, a nice lady who will share a lane with me so I don’t feel quite so cougar-ish for admiring the young gentleman who had to move because I was admiring him too much.

AND THEN SHE GOT IN A LANE WITH ANOTHER AGGRESSIVE SWIMMER.

Internet.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I swam a few more laps and eventually someone shared with me. He was an older dude wearing a nose pincher. And he asked me, “So, getting in a good work out?” And I said, “Oh, just fitting in one on my lunch.” And I got out. BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE CHECKING ME OUT IN THE POOL.

Also because the aggressive swimmers hate me.

I’m Concerned, Internet

So, this weekend I’m doing something I’ve never done before — GO CAMPING IN A TENT. I once tried camping in a tent but my family decided it was too uncomfortable so we got a hotel. I asked Fancyhats if this camping thing had a shower and he evaded the question. I suspect it does not.

I also asked Fancyhats about what we’re doing all day. What does one do while camping? Turns out, you just sort of sit around. I am totally checked out on sitting around. I excel at that.

But I’m not sure about this no shower thing. And I’m really unclear about the toilet situation. Let me just say we’re heading to breakup mountain if there’s no toilet.

What makes this camping trip especially interesting for me is that we’re going with another family. The mom, we’ll call her CW because those are her initials, has been friends with Fancyhats for ten years and she’s actually the reason Fancyhats and I met. You see, she was on Twitter, and Fancyhats signed up for Twitter just to make fun of her. Fancyhats and I met and CW and I met and became friends and Fancyhats and I became friends and I didn’t know they were friends.

And one day, CW and I went to tea because our sons are the same age and I confessed to her that I lurved Fancyhats. LURVED. And she said, “I’ve known him for years!” And I said, “Really!” And we agreed that he was hunky and I resigned myself to the fact that he’d never be with me. And then CW said to me, “We should go camping, do you camp?” And I said, “no. No to both. NONONONO.” And she said, “Oh.”

And then Fancyhats and I started going out several months later and our boys play together and now we’re all going camping.

Here’s the moral of the story: CW deserves credit for all of the good stuff in my life, but I am still not 100% certain about this camping thing. Also, shower.

Hello? Hello World?

I feel like a mole, you guys. A cartoon mole. The one who has the big glasses on who’s poking his nose out looking around for people. That’s me. At least that will be me starting tomorrow. Tomorrow I plan to make a big breakfast for Fancyhats and Archie, then take Arch to his first martial arts class and then the sun will be out and my little family and I will go on a bike ride. I CANNOT WAIT!!

Back Fence was awesome as always. We had two storytellers telling their different sides of the same story. It was so cool. I was pretty nervous for this one because that might be boring for people. But the audience was cracking up and the tellers were just amazing. And then I flaked on hanging out with everyone afterward but I couldn’t. I needed to go home and do my traditional Back Fence cry. This is sort of an exhale for me.

And one of my co-workers showed up. It meant so much to me that she showed up. I have such respect for her and there she was!!

Speaking of work, another co-worker and I were teamed up to produce a video for a local non-profit. We had to create the concept, shoot it and edit it together. And we’re competing with another team. The judging is today. My teammate and I watched the final cut yesterday and we clapped each time we finished watching it. I am so proud of this little video, you guys. When it gets approval from the client, I’m going to post it here so you can see it.

So that’s it, wish me luck staying awake today and on the video unveiling. Because we win PRIZES! Woot!

TONIGHT!

Reserve tickets here!

Being a Mom is Hard

I don’t mind telling you, Internet, that being a mom is hard. Figuring out childcare and making sure he’s getting all his vitamins and having enough time to play outside and giving him structure and boundaries when there’s little consistency with that and did I mention the childcare thing?

If any of you know of a sitter who can work Friday afternoons for August, drop me a line. We need someone who will commit to doing that and who will become a reliable sitter, playing a role in Archie’s life.

I do a lot people. There are whole weeks when every moment of my time is scheduled. I couldn’t do all of this without Fancyhats. He does what he says he’s going to do. He’s reliable. That’s not something I’ve experienced before. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve him because he’s so good to me and Arch.

Moral today = I need a reliable sitter. And Fancyhats = amazing.

Blood Boiling

Internet, you know I run hot. I think it’s impossible to be funny and not run hot. Part of humor is noticing the weird things others do and judging them, amirite?

Well, I told you that I had my blood drawn the other day and it was for a pretty innocuous thing — my work offers a discount on health insurance if we don’t smoke and if we take part in a health fair that involves having our cholesterol etc. checked. I don’t smoke and I eat well and I have no health problems so I thought, why not?

WHY NOT INDEED.

I started blogging five years ago because I was on bedrest when I was pregnant because one day I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was through the roof. When Arch was born, the doctor said my blood pressure would return to normal and I was living under the assumption that it would…despite the fact that at each check up since then, the doctor said, “Oh! Why is your blood pressure so high?”

That happened again on Friday when I had my blood drawn except my blood pressure actually scared the woman and she made me sign a thing saying I’d call my doctor immediately. I was knocking at the door of stage 3 hypertension. I made her test me no less than six times because I was sure that with some meditation and determination I could get that baby down. No such luck.

I’ve entertained the possibility that I might be averse to doctors and when that thing closes around arm I start to hyperventalate because it’s so freaky to have that thing on my arm, but I’m pretty sure this is something I’m going to have to face.

I spent the weekend making jokes about how I’m old and how every single thing was going to make me stroke out but Fancyhats thought this was TOTALLY. NOT. FUNNY. He was like YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get the pills and take better care to not run quite so hot and also not eat and McDonalds and maybe get some exercise. Except that’s the worst part. I don’t eat at McDonalds, and I swim four times a week. If I had know, I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE STARTED EATING BIG MAC FIVE YEARS AGO.

So that’s my moral today: eat all the burgers you can, because there might come a day when you stroke out. And then you can’t eat hamburgers because your mouth doesn’t work.

WHAT.

Blood Sucking

I’m getting my blood drawn tomorrow morning to check for cholesterol and whatever else they check for. I’d also like them to check for an allergy to Portland as well as whatever nutritional stuff I might have going on. I send K8 emails every day telling her how tired I am. I think they might be able to see in my blood work up that these past four days I’ve been waking up at 5:30 and coming home from working at my job + doing Back Fence things at 8-8:30pm. That might have to do with the tiredness too.

Is this post even making sense? Blame the migraine I had last night too.

ANYWAY. My blood.  I need to fast starting this evening and into tomorrow morning. I’ve never fasted. I’ve never done a cleanse or really done any sort of nutritional diet plan thing. I have no idea what it will be like to wake up, shower and get dressed without having a cup of tea at least. I’m pretty sure I might die on the way there. And maybe Fancyhats should drive me and put a cool compress on my head on the way. He put a cool compress on my head last night because I couldn’t stand up and take care of myself. He’s good that way.

In summary: I need a nap.

I am Going to Be So Sick of My Own Voice

Today I’m speaking on a panel about blogging for the PRSA chapter here in Portland. If you’re into PR and/or blogging or just want to hear me speak about blogging, then you should come. Details here.

After that, I go back to work for a while, then the Back Fence babes head over to an undisclosed location to record some voice over stuff for a super-secret Back Fence project. Well, it’s not that secret — we’re putting together a pilot for radio!

And on July 29, Back Fence is back with He Said/She Said. It’s going to be so great. We’re doing two people telling the same story. One person will be sequestered while the other one is on stage. We’ve heard three of the pairs of stories — OMG so good. Go reserve your tickets here.

We’re doing ticket reservations to avoid T*&^Master fees. I don’t want to write the name of that evil organization because they’re so rotten and litigious, I’m worried for my event because we’re breaking the rules. We don’t want our audience to pay their fees — our tickets, which would be $14 usually, are $21 with the T%$#Master charge. What is that charge for, exactly? For the pleasure of paying a percentage of any merchandise we sell to that company as well? But we’re required to use them. So this is our workaround.

As event producers, we want to have an idea of how many people are coming. And the venue needs that idea too so they can prepare their staff, etc. Reservations sort of solve that, but I can see how this new system is confusing.

If you do reserve tickets, you’ll pay $14 at the door. No fees whatsoever. Please bring cash, exact change, etc. This will help move the line. People with reservations will be guaranteed entrance. So do it! Get your tickets now!!!