I’m Harrassing You
Posted on | February 10, 2010 | No Comments
Okay everyone, you have just a few days left for early bird cheap tickets to Entertainment for People. So get ‘em now! After the 15th, they’re $12. So hurry!
This show is going to be so awesome. It’s everything good that Portland has to offer, from Fourever Young playing Appalachian Beach Boys tunes, sketch comedy from Eastland Academy, a DIY Demo, the former director of MTV’s How’s Your News showing clips from various political events and everyone’s favorite Portlander — Nathaniel Boggess.
I’m pretty sure Nathaniel has dated 85% of the available women in this town. I’m sure of it because I’ve had three different women come up to me and say, “I dated that guy.”
I’m sure he got even more dates from his Back Fence story. Did you see it? No? Well, check it out.
Nathaniel Boggess at Back Fence PDX from Melissa Lion on Vimeo.
Sledding
Posted on | February 9, 2010 | 2 Comments
Well, we went to the snow and survived! There were no fights.
We rented inner tubes and used those as sleds. I’d never heard of this before Fancyhats told me that was what we were doing. Of course, I’d only ever seen snow twice before I was 20 years old so what do I know?
The first time I saw snow was at Sea World in San Diego where they do Christmas in July and make a bunch of snow, pile it all up and let snow-bereft Southern Californian children experience snow in all of its 80-degree glory. And then when I was a bit older and we went sledding I have no idea where and we used one of those metal disk sleds and I let go and scraped up my face really badly.
My relationship with snow is confused.
Anyway, we went and I sledded exactly twice. Once on the bunny slope and once on a larger hill. Both times, I sat on the edge and felt my chest tighten up and the blood rush into my ears.
You see, as an adult I went skiing once and had a full blown panic attack on one of the hills. I had to sit down. I was paralyzed. I didn’t think I’d make it down the mountain. It was horrible.
We went sledding and I really tried to cowboy up, but there’s just something about the combination of snow, hills and not having any breaks that does my head in. I’m not phobic about much (heights, cardboard, wet napkins) but sledding, skiing, snowboarding really feels like a phobia. Something I just can’t think myself out of.
I really don’t want to be a person who sits things out, but I think when it comes to snow sports, I’m happy in the lodge knitting. In fact, we went to Timberline lodge for hot chocolate and sat by the huge hearth. It was lovely.
Cranford, or Portland?
Posted on | February 5, 2010 | 7 Comments
Last night I started watching the BBC miniseries, Cranford. It’s based on three books by Elizabeth Gaskell. OMG it is so funny and lovely and wonderful. I’m really enjoying it. And the best part about Cranford is when they say Cranford, I replace Cranford with Portland. They say things like, “That is not the custom in Cranford.” Manchester seems like a place of pure evil with its big city ways, and Cranford is always on the higher ground. At one point, one of the characters says, “what will people think, and worse what will people say!” Ahhh life in a provincial town.
We’re going up to the snow this weekend for some sledding. This will be the true test of my relationship with Fancyhats. The last time I went to the snow with a man, I swore I’d take a bus home and never, ever return to that godforsaken place. This was Mountain High in California. A place where they actually manufacture snow because it’s in Riverside County, which is a desert. A snowboarding lesson was involved. I cried and cursed at the 12 year old snowboard instructor. Did I mention that the man I was with was a surfer? And had been a surfer since he was 9? Snowboarding came naturally to him. Snowboarding did not come naturally to me. I skiied for the first time when I was 20. That too did not go well. And then there was the time I tried surfing and wound up in the emergency room.
Frankly, it’s a miracle I can even ride a bike.
I hope sledding will be far gentler on my psyche. Fancyhats has promised that we’ll go out to pancakes. I don’t really eat pancakes, not even with a half cup of quinoa, but I do enjoy two-egg breakfasts.
Wish us luck, internet.
Writing, Back Fence and Fiber
Posted on | February 4, 2010 | 5 Comments
First off, I’m teaching a writing woo-woo class with Bridget Pilloud on February 21st. It’s a bargain, people — $25-45 sliding scale. It’s a three-hour class and we’re going to use the elements of narrative to change your story. Believe me, I did this with job stuff and it so worked. Decription here. And if you want pay for a spot, just email me: melissa at back fence pdx dot com.
On February 25th, we have another Entertainment for People event. This is our variety show and we have music, a DIY demo, sketch comedy and two awesome dudes telling stories. Nathaniel Boggess (he was the guy who slugged the other guy from the front seat of his Lincoln, then made out with the dude’s girlfriend) and Arthur Bradford who was the writer, director and producer of MTV’s How’s Your News. Arthur is showing some video and telling stories about the RNC and DNC.
Tickets for this one are $10 until 2/15, when they go up to $12. So get those babies early.
Finally, fiber. Did you all see this article in the NY Times Mag? It’s all about fiber. And how this guy’s kids were all up in his grill about making cupcakes and he made them rye flour pretzels instead. He also says that pancakes he made with whole-grain rye flour, cornmeal and a half-cup of cooked quinoa “had a depth and richness that put me in mind of strong whiskey.”
Fancyhats read this article to me last night and instead of laughing at the ridiculousness of making your kids eat rye flour pretzels when cupcakes are requested, then experiencing the stab of guilt because either requested would have forced me to slice up a frozen fiber cookie log of oatmeal, nuts and dried cranberries instead of baking anything from scratch. I simply took it as a challenge.
Last night I made roasted veggie enchiladas. The night before, veggie curry with brown rice. Each night, I asked Fancyhats and Archie if they’d like a dollop of non-fat yogurt on top. Fancyhats told Archie that other families ate something called sour cream on their enchiladas.
Here’s my point: I’m just going to boil some water, throw in some quinoa and rye flour, cook it up into some mean looking gruel and serve it with raw kale THREE MEALS A DAY.
Dreams Do Come True, It Could Happen To You…
Posted on | February 3, 2010 | 7 Comments
I am beat, Internet.
I couldn’t sleep last night and I think I woke up with a crying hangover.
Let me tell you what happened last night — I was there to watch two people have their dreams come true. That is the lamest phrase in the whole world, but I have no better way of describing it.
Here’s the skinny, Kevin Sampsell was a small press author. A quick summary of the publishing industry — there are big houses (Random House, Harper Collins, Simon, Penguin, Hachette) and these are all owned by multi-national conglomerates (Bertlesmen, Fox, Comcast, Pearson, Hachette). And there are small presses that are not owned by huge conglomerates and therefore don’t have the distribution or the restrictions on publishing popular fiction. There are also micropresses (think staplers and photocopiers) and Kevin runs one of those.
But no matter how indie and cool you are, most everyone wants to be published by a major house. Because that’s fancy. But when you look at the numbers, you’re more special if you publish at a small house than a big one, but people think the money is better at a big house. Make no mistake – there is no good money in publishing.
Kevin was probably my first friend in Portland. He introduced me to Frayn. She and I bonded over Clearasil. About a week later we started Back Fence. I met Frayn and Kevin at a nutty time in all of our lives. But one thing I knew was that Frayn loved Kevin. He was the one for her. Despite his going through a really nutty time. I feel like I can say that because it’s a bit of what his book is about. Plus we all go through nutty times where we do not treat people the way they should be treated. And many of us, like Kevin, recover from that. Through it all, Frayn knew she loved Kevin.
I didn’t really understand that. Not specifically to Kevin, but just in general. I didn’t get knowing this is the one for you. Gradually I became surrounded by friends in loving long-term marraiges and relationships. It seemed like everyone I knew was with the one for them. I didn’t believe that was true. Despite everyone else experiencing it. I just didn’t believe it could happen. At the same time, I always had this idea in my head about who my ideal guy was. But I knew he didn’t exist because people are not perfect and people are not magical and whatever.
So on I marched, believing there was no right one. And Kevin straightened out his brain and wrote his book, and Frayn loved him a lot. She also did other stuff too like Back Fence and screenwriting and writing and filming stuff. She’s a working writer, don’t doubt it. Their relationship grew stronger.
Kevin and I go to LA for BEA. I have to buy him a hot dog because he’s so sick with nerves because he might be signing a book contract there. We sit together in the LA sunshine and talk books. A guy sits next to us on the phone talking about Guns and Roses. Kevin is pale and sweaty. Later Kevin signs a contract with Harper Collins. I fancy it’s because of the hot dog I bought him.
We did Back Fence more, we needed some printing done. I called this guy who I knew on Twitter who did printing and asked him to hook me up with some free printing. He said yes. He brought a date to Back Fence. He was cute with this great voice and I was crushed. He and his date looked so miserable, I thought “Oh, they must be married.” I was doubly crushed.
Back Fence is a success, Frayn and Kevin work it out. My life goes through hell. Though my relationship with Kevin is strained (nutty time for both of us) he says he’s there for me. Frayn is there for me. Back Fence seems like the only thing I can do right. Frayn and I have talked about this. That Back Fence gives us both direction and stability. It’s so much more than an event. It’s been there for both of us during really crappy times.
Fast forward to last night.
It’s Kevin’s book release party and reading at Powell’s. 250 people turned out for his reading. Of his book. With a major publisher. Dream 1 — Come True. At the end of the reading, he proposes to Frayn. Dream 2– Come True.
I did a lot of crying last night. These two people were just radiating happiness. A lot of people were crying. I was there with Fancyhats — the one for me, and the living breathing version of the ideal guy who lived in my brain. We were surrounded by Back Fence alumni and friends and I was watching two friends reach the place they’d been dreaming about.
It was really, really wonderful. I’m so happy I was there. But I’m drained, Internet. I’ve never been walloped with happiness before, but seriously. Watching the two of them at the podium after the proposal and the happiness nearly knocked me over. It was really incredible. How could I be slugged by happiness? I don’t know, but I was and it felt good.
Congratulations to Frayn and Kevin! I raise my tea mug in your direction.
(I secretly hope Back Fence will step into the wedding business.)
Saffron Surprise!
Posted on | February 1, 2010 | 3 Comments
Hello Internet.
I had an great weekend. I ate. A lot. I overate. I ate grilled cheese, pork belly, a costco hot dog, oatmeal, toast, veggie curry, fancy-pants Salisbury steak, hazelnut mousse, regular steak and party food. I can’t resist party food, if you must know. If it comes in a bowl and there are crackers or bread or chips to accompany it, I will eat it.
I love party food.
After my last post, Ben was very worried that I have sleep apnea. I can assure you that I do not. I am a silent sleeper. Freakishly silent. So silent, my mom used to put a mirror over my face to make sure I was breathing. No sleep apnea. But my deep sleep was interrupted on Thursday night, so, according to K8, that’s where the hangover feeling came from.
It was interrupted for two very good reasons: one is a secret, and one is that Fancyhats wanted to tell me he bowled a 225.
And Friday the mail brought me a skein of Socks That Rock in Saffron Surprise. This is a color I named with Tina, the owner of Blue Moon Fiber Arts. Tina is my favorite dyer so the fact that she took a suggestion from me and let me help with the naming is pretty awesome in my book. The skein she sent was so I could “approve it.” SO I COULD APPROVE TINA’S COLORS!?!?! I’ve kept this skein with me all weekend. It’s like a safety skein, if you will.
I’m going to pair it with some icy silver yarn and make a Daybreak shawl. Because I need more shawls, right?
How was your weekend, internet? Did you eat as much as I did?
The Video
Posted on | January 29, 2010 | 2 Comments
First, I want to tell you that I woke up hungover this morning. Only I haven’t had any booze for two weeks. Riddle me that, internet. Remember when this was happening last year and I gave up alcohol entirely? But I still woke up with hangovers?
In summary: my head hurts.
And Ken wanted the video that I liked so much.
Here tis:
(One word: Whoooo-tahs)
Nuts!
Posted on | January 28, 2010 | 6 Comments
I was just going to link to a video I enjoyed six times yesterday, but I thought that would be weak after not blogging for two days.
I’ve been really trying to find blog fodder, but every day cannot be ripe with hilarity, can it?
So here’s what I was thinking about last night at 2am when I woke up and was panicking about taxes coming up and my mortgage and health insurance and OH MY GOD.
I thought about nuts.
And how I make banana bread with nuts. I believe banana bread should have nuts in it. Banana bread without nuts is just so meh to me.
Furthermore, I believed everyone felt this way….
Well, not so much.
You see, last night Fancyhats was enjoying some of my banana bread and I said, “Oh my god, isn’t it the best? I make the best banana bread. So yummy!”
And Fancyhats said, “It’s really good. Fiberous. And good.”
And I said, “Oh, fiberous because it’s got yummy chunks of banana in it.”
And he said, “Because of the nuts.”
I could tell from his voice that the nuts were a drawback to him. Perhaps counting against the possibility that my banana bread is the best in the whole world.
And I said, “Nuts belong in banana bread.”
And he said, “I like my mom’s banana bread. It’s squishy.”
I spent the next several seconds replaying in my head conversations I’ve had with Fancyhats regarding my baked goods. I claim I have baked the best bananabreadoatmealcookieschocolatechipcookies and he says “They’re fiberous.” And that’s because I put NUTS in all of those things.
Because I like nuts in baked goods.
Also, ice cream.
I don’t like nuts on their own. I’d never just grab a handful of nuts, but I love them in food.
And at 3am this morning when I’d processed all of this, I realized that perhaps not everyone feels like nuts are a necessary addition to baked goods. Also, people like that ARE WRONG.
On a related topic, Fancyhats prefers unsalted butter to salted butter. [See the paragraph above.]
New Project
Posted on | January 25, 2010 | 7 Comments
You guys, I watched so much bad television this weekend. I watched America’s Next Top Model, Jersey Shore, What Not to Wear, Project Runway (this one isn’t bad TV, it’s actually THE BEST) and Say Yes to the Dress.
I feel like my skull rotted in my head a little bit.
But I did learn that if one has but five minutes for ones makeup, black mascara is the top priority. I always go powder and lipstick, no mascara because I’m like a chimp when it comes to putting on makeup, but whatever. I’ll add mascara to my powder, lipstick five minute makeup thing. OKAY STACEY AND CLINTON?!!?!?!
I worked on my sweater.
I might actually finish this one. It’s a very fast knit and I’m going to treat the sleeves like socks. I’m going to bring them with me when I need a mobile knitting project. The sweater looks huge, but I’ve compared it to my hoodie several times, checked the gauge and the size and I’m smaller than gauge so it should be fine.
It still loooks huge, though.
If it is too big for me, I’ll just frog it. I’ve been all about frogging projects. It’s so cathartic. I have a sweater I knit and hate and I’m thinking of frogging that one too.
And, I have a new project, people. A while back, Kiala and I went to karaoke and she suggested I grow my hair out. I’ve never had long hair. I mean I did when I was ten and then I cut it all off when I was 13 and I’ve had hair above my shoulders ever since.
As you know, Kiala’s hair is her power. She lets it down and the space-time continuum bends. Seriously. If you’ve never seen this, then I’m sorry for you.
She suggested to celebrate my new life I try new hair. I have very, very thick hair. Very thick. And I need styles to prevent it from looking like a mushroom. And Fancyhats like to see my neck and ears. But I why not try long hair before I’m 40? I’m 34 now.
Frankly, the only reason I want the long hair is so I can wear braided pigtails.
I’m going to keep my bangs short because that’s my signature. And after that, I’m going to grow my hair long. I’ll need to have it layered and styled and take better care of it than I do now, but whatever.
Also, who knows if I can actually do this. I might just go mental and chop it off again.
Here’s where I’m starting from.
Wish me luck.
Friends and Knitting and Things
Posted on | January 21, 2010 | 4 Comments
First off, do you know my friend Bridget Pilloud? We’re teaching a very inexpensive retreat together on February 21st. It’s a sliding scale ($20-45 per person). It’s part writing, part woo-woo self-help stuff. But it’s not touchy feely because Bridget isn’t that way. She’s very hep and funny and super ironic. And she does these things called Soul Notes. You get a daily email. Here’s today’s:
Muy, Muy Spicy, Outer Me!
I was thinking about a snack today.It’s sweet and spicy and even a little decadent. It’s surprisingly healthy. It rocks.
Hmm….those words also describe you. How Cool Is That?
Later, if you’re into this, we might try this soul snack.
Mango+Cayenne Pepper + Lime + Avocado…
Slice a mango into bite-sized pieces.
Dust with Cayenne Pepper.
Slice a lime into wedges, and squirt lime juice over the mango.
Then cut up an avocado and toss half of it in too.
Or leave the avocado out, whatever. It’s all good.
Or just eat the avocado separately with a spoon and some crackers.Toss.
Eat.
Num.Like Manna from Heaven, you are. (bright and tasty)-
Inner Me
And I’ve decided to bypass Fancyhats knitting and just knit a sweater for myself. Because I’m magnanimous that way. Also I don’t have yarn for Fancyhats’s sweater and I just haven’t found the yarn I want to use. I was thinking of a wool cotton blend. I don’t know.
I’m in my third winter in Portland, and I’m realizing that despite the rain and the gray skies for months on end, it’s just not that cold here. I don’t think he’d wear a 100% wool hand knit sweater.
So, I’m knitting the Hourglass Sweater from Last Minute Knitted Gifts for myself. I’ve had the yarn for this sweater for five years. I am not kidding. I bought it when I was pregnant with Archie. It’s silk cashmere. AND I HAVE NOT USED IT. I’ve had silk cashmere yarn in my stash for five years. Oh the shame. I have not knit a successful sweater and I’m determined to do it this time.
Also, I had a realization when it comes to sweater knitting, I’m just going to go with the flow. Take it easy. Not micromanage the whole thing. This weekend, Fancyhats is out of town and I’m going to watch terrible television, eat Burgerville and knit this sweater. All weekend.
And I finished a project for a new client. I feel very proud of myself. The project came out really nice and I was able to pour everything in my brain out about the topic and organize it with visuals and make it all professional and awesome. And I finished a week before the deadline. What I’m trying to say is that I’m awesome.