No?

Okay, it goes a little something like this — I don’t recognize myself sometimes. Let me give you an example.

The other day, Fancyhats and I were having dinner and he asked me about my day. And I said this:

“Oh, it was good. I bought some clothes from Banana and I joined a gym.”

Say what?!?

Did I also go to a bachelorette party and raise my hands in the air like I just didn’t care?

Did I retroactively join the high school cheer squad and marry a day trader?

At some point in my life have wine coolers been the answer?

In my defense, Banana sends me 40% off (yesterday!) or even 50% off (today!) coupons to use SO I HAVE TO USE THEM, RIGHT?

Damn you Banana. GIVE ME BACK MY IDENTITY.

So, I told you in the last post that I’ve been working out using videos from the Internet and I’ve been doing a lot of videos with Ellen Barrett. She does videos for Self magazine. These videos are so gentle and lovely. And Ellen is so sweet. Look at that fresh-faced gal. I never use the word gal so you know I mean it when I talk about Ellen.

I just picture Ellen and me making cookies and talking about our hubbies and sometimes doing a little bit of standing ab work because you know…gotta earn those cookies!

I wish I’d gone to college with Ellen because then I might not have consumed so much liquor and had stupid boyfriends. She would have helped me stay focused on my studies.

I think she even has freckles.

But I checked with Crissy who is my exercise and fitness guru and Crissy said I need to shake things up in my routine if I want to maintain, which is what I want to do. And I know Crissy likes Jillian Michaels so I rented her 30-Day Shred from Netflix.

Um. Why is she going to eat that man? And then break the camera apart with her bare teeth? And then stab me in the neck with broken camera shards she’s picked from her teeth?

I did Level 1 of her workout this morning and Jillian and I will not be making cookies together. I believe we’ll be smoking at the chain (holla! reference to UC High!) and throwing rocks at the elderly and infirm.

I mean I would do that with Jillian but I can’t lift my arms after spending twenty minutes with her.

I’m not sure if Jillian and I will remain Bone Thugs in Harmony or if she’ll get sent back to Netflix. I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED, HOWEVER.

(Come back Ellen!)

Here’s what I want us to put our heads together about today, Internet — gym memberships.

My work offers a free gym membership to all employees. They’re good like that. They also offer free therapy. I told Fancyhats that for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I need that. But the gym membership is a maybe. I have go twice a month for them to keep it active.

Right now, between being a mom, working 40 hours per week, Back Fence and Fancyhats and I building our life together, I have very little time. I exercise each morning for about 30 minutes using videos from the internet because that’s all I can manage.

The gym has a pool, which is very exciting. But I also have a fear of gyms. There are several things I fear at gyms: the moist air, the bacteria in the moist air, people in spandex, chipper blond women with long ponytails, the machines I have no idea how to work and finally (perhaps most importantly) men in tank tops.

But it’s free and I only have to go twice a month. I could swim on Sundays and Mondays.

Do you think I should overcome my fear of the very valid gym things I’ve listed above and go to a gym?

I should note that I’ve never had a gym membership. In my entire life.

Pre-New Life, I wanted all of that. I was flat broke. I had absolutely no support. Anything I needed was a negotiation — I’ll do this if you do XYZ. The flat broke part is what’s chilling to me. I’d always had well-paying jobs and suddenly I was totally and completely broke. I couldn’t afford new clothes, I ate at home because I couldn’t afford to do anything else. And I weighed 10lbs more.

I hadn’t seen 90% of Portland because I just couldn’t with no money and no support.

And now?

And now I CANNOT STOP ORDERING CLOTHES ON LINE!

That’s not really what I want to say. BUT IT’S TRUE.

I want to say that I dream about Fancyhats in the night. I woke up this morning after a night of dreaming about him and there he was! In person! I love him deeply. I never, ever believed this would happen. Or did happen. I thought people were just sort of whatever in their relationships. Just faking it til you make it. But no! People really do have relationships where they’re excited to see the person when they walk in the door!

And I think we all change. We change from the person who needed a new life to the person in an old life. I thought this morning that I hope Fancyhats and I transition together and as time moves forward, we build several new lives together. Because this one I’m living right now is pretty awesome.

And, I have some news for all of you. Next week, I am starting full-time at the awesome company for whom I’ve been working part-time. They offered me a fancy position and I’ll be doing a lot of content development and community management for people and it’s all about teh social mediaz.

What really sealed it for me is the people I work with. They are all so nice! And there’s not a lot of chatting going on. People are working and not gossiping or back biting. Anytime I need help, I just ask and someone helps me. People ask me for help. It’s really awesome. And it’s quiet at my desk. I just do my work in peace. I can focus and get some stuff done.

And, best of all, when I’m finished with my day, I’m finished! No stressing about the freelance hustle 24/7. A regular paycheck and benefits sounds pretty good after almost four years of freelance work.

I’ll still be working on Back Fence, so that’s good. But everything else will just fall away and I’ll have FREE TIME. Oh my god. FREE TIME!

I have some crappy feelings about leaving Archie with other people full-time, but I stayed home with him and worked full-time and things change, I guess. I do know that when I come home from work, I’m excited to see Arch. I just want to kiss his cheeks.

Moms working full time — what do you think about leaving your kids to someone else’s care 40 hours a week?

So that’s it. I’m an 8-5 working girl starting next week. I’ve been buying clothes on the internet in anticipation of this.

I was exhausted after Back Fence. 300 people showed up for that event! Totally sold out crowd and the storytellers were amazing. So fantastically amazing.

I was tired afterward.

And I did something hard the other day but I have an opportunity for the first time in four years to protect my time. Now that I work part-time and I don’t need to hustle for freelance gigs anymore, I can breath a bit and enjoy Archie. It’s been so tough to work and take care of Archie all from home. Nothing ever felt like it was complete. Nothing ever got my full attention. I was always pulled in many directions and Archie didn’t get what he needed from me. I had to keep the bills, the roof, the laundry and chores and for a while there another adult taken care of. I went back through my archives and read posts from before my new life and I was always so tired. So tapped.

I was tired after Back Fence, but not even a quarter as tired as I was before my new life. Fancyhats, my friends and parents handed me my new life and I’m so grateful to all of you and them.

And now I’m taking it one step further — I’m saying no to things. I have a lot of ideas for events and classes and blogs and groups and all of this stuff, but I’m putting a moratorium on all of this stuff for a little while. I’ll still co-produce the big Back Fence storytelling shows (you’ll have to pry my cold dead hands off of Back Fence) but as for the other stuff, I’m going to let other people do those things.

I need some time with Archie. So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m taking time with Archie. I’m knitting. Reading books. And producing the big Back Fence shows — those are so much easier than they once were. We used to spend a minimum of 20 hours per week on Back Fence. Because of all of that work then, we’re able to coast a bit now.

I’m so excited for this. So excited to know what life is like with scheduled work time and scheduled free time. I think it’ll be pretty cool.

I’m using my Mason jar for water and feeling extra smart and I go for a walk during lunch. It’s all good. I love my work and I get really focused on it. So much so that if people talk to me while I’m at my desk, I have no idea what they’re saying for the first ten seconds. Yesterday that was not beneficial because my boss came by to answer a question of mine and I’d been focusing for hours and I just started giggling. I had to tell her that I’d been working and I hadn’t come up for air and I was sorry (giggle, giggle). She seemed okay with it, but sort of looked at me oddly.

I realized that public relations is my super-power (along with being trapped and leaving half-full glasses of water all over the place). I did PR a long, long time ago and it was horrible. I hated it. But I was very, very good at it. Now that I’m using social media and combining it with marketing and PR I’m quite happy. I like making connections, getting to know people, hearing stories and promoting stuff I think the other person will really like. It’s not about if I like the thing, it’s about making a match. I think that’s where I went wrong with PR the first time. I wanted to like everything and I couldn’t. It doesn’t matter if I like it. It matters that I make the connection between this thing and someone else.

Seems to me that few big companies really get how to use social media in the correct way. They’re not joining the conversation but still trying to control it. That’s not going to work. Social media, in my opinion, levels the playing field. It makes it so I can communicate with a big company and they’ll hear me. With this new position, I get to help big companies understand that it isn’t about broadcasting, it’s about talking and here are the ways to do it.

Of all the careers I’ve had, social media best fits my beliefs, my ideals and what makes me excited. I don’t often write about social media or tweet about it. I prefer to use it as it’s intended — as a method of making connections with others. I will tell you that every single awesome thing in my life is the result of social media. Except for Archie, who was the reason I started participating in social media five years ago with my first blog, Bedrest without Television.

So here’s to social media and promotion.

AND GET YOUR TICKETS TO BACK FENCE NOW!!!

When I’m at work, I drink a pint glass of water an hour. I would drink more but I have to get up from my desk and walk through half the office to get more water and I don’t want people to think I’m weird for wandering back and forth from the kitchen every fifteen minutes. And I could drink a pint of water every fifteen minutes. Maybe even every five minutes. Because oh my god I am so thirsty.

And then around 10am I get starving. Starving. Like gnawing at my elbow starving. And I wait until I can’t take it any more to eat my lunch. I’ve prohibited myself from snacking at my desk because I’m very concerned about gaining weight. We’ve talked about how I’m pretty sure that if I eat more than I think is appropriate, I will wake up the next morning and be 500 pounds.

By the afternoon, I am hungry again and so thirsty I might die. Yesterday, this resulted in a migraine. I had to ask Fancyhats to look after Archie because I needed to go to bed at 7:30. At which point, I lay there in the dark trying not to puke up the dinner Fancyhats had lovingly made after he got home from his job and I was thinking of all the ways I was letting people down and how there were plenty of moms who work full time and come home and make dinner and get their kids ready for bed and look after their husbands and clean the house and then go to bed without feeling like they might die and why am I so sucky because I can’t do the same. Seriously. And then I felt this horrible guilt because Fancyhats works way more than I do and here he is taking care of me and my kid.

Eventually, the migraine won and I passed out.

Wow. That was a lot to lay on you guys. Sorry.

But if you could come up with solutions to the three problems I’ve identified in this post, I’d appreciate it.

They are:

1) My thirst. I won’t get a Nalgene bottle because they cause brain tumors and I don’t like those metal ones because the water always tastes metallic so what do I do?

2) How do I stay not-starving and migraine free while not gaining weight at work?

3) How do I not be such a baby?

My first day of work was just fine. I didn’t cry in the bathroom and everyone answered my questions and introduced themselves and I remembered everyone’s names, except for one guy who I’ll have to ask again and feel like a jerk because I hate having to ask someone’s name twice.

I’m actually very good with names but this guy introduced himself near the end of the day so I was name-full in my brain.

The best part of the day: hours to work on something uninterrupted. Hours to write in quiet and solitude.

The worst part of the day: Missing Archie so badly it felt like someone cut a hole in my stomach.

I’m off to another day today where I’ll have even more hours to work on things uninterrupted. It’s really quite nice.