And before you all jump on the tube-tying bandwagon, please note that I have an IUD, only the greatest birth control ever (along with my unwaivering fear of pregnant women and reproduction). I have the Mirena IUD, which, I swear makes me think (for one second) that there might be one single doctor in this world who loves women. I know that’s probably not true because doctors are evil (I have a doctor fear and a fear of heights). BUT someone invented birth control that is put in once and is 99% effective AND it makes my periods go away. I mean the menstruating part. The crazies are still there, as well as the breaking out. GAWD. But the period itself — nada. Or very little like every six months. Hello awesomeness! And I’m not getting fat and having my brain short circuit making me not want sex at all like what happened on this pill, which is, I think, the pill’s magic formula. Make a girl fat and crazy and that’ll shut her knees up tight.

Also, I want you to look at this picture from BikePortland.org. [Did I do that right? PHOTO CREDIT BIKEPORTLAND.ORG. Right? Right?]

The Portland Naked Bike Ride thing was Saturday night. And I did not participate because I believe that a girl (me) looks better in some undergarments than completely naked. And plus, the position you’d have to be on while riding is not the most flattering for a lady who has been preggers before and who nursed. And because it’s called the naked ride, I didn’t think I could wear delicate underbits. But it turns out you can and now I’m in love with this girl. I love you bike lady.

Finally, did you get your Back Fence tickets? Back Fence is taking a break after our June show, so get your fix now. We’ll be back in Fall.

For my non-Twitter people, let me explain something to you. On Fridays, on Twitter, there’s this thing called #followfriday. #followfriday must be the grandest circle jerk in all of internet history. Basically, what you do is suggest people for others to follow. Except everyone who is following you is also following those same people. So…see…circle jerk. Daisy chain circle jerk.*

*Do you all remember when you learned the definition of those words? I was in high school and my mind was blown. BLOWN. (Get it?!?! See what I did there?!? HAHAHAH)

Because I just cannot leave this shit alone and because there are moments on Twitter and in Portland where I just pinch something (anything) and twist, I created #smackmyassfriday. #smackmyassfriday is an opportunity to let the internet know who you’d like to smack your ass. It’s like #followfriday, but way more exciting.

So far no one has taken me up on my request for a solid ass smacking, but whatever. WHATEVER. I’m all bark anyway. If someone actually smacked my ass, I’d probably blush and crawl under a table. Because I’m tough like that.

Also, CLICK HERE. Click it! It’s another amazing article on Back Fence PDX and Word to your Mother, which happens May 7th. Do you have your tickets?

So, in honor of #smackmyassfriday here’s @lollyrae’s ass.

She’s got a great rack too, and yes that red hair is real. She’s the whole package, if you know what I mean.

For the record, we’ve not met in person, because if we did, I might break down in tears. This video makes me feel a little bit like that time I saw Madonna in concert in Las Vegas and I wept because she’d been my hero for most of my life. Yes, good, maybe I’m oversharing.

Watch.

And the sequel.

H.O.T