Hello? Hello World?

I feel like a mole, you guys. A cartoon mole. The one who has the big glasses on who’s poking his nose out looking around for people. That’s me. At least that will be me starting tomorrow. Tomorrow I plan to make a big breakfast for Fancyhats and Archie, then take Arch to his first martial arts class and then the sun will be out and my little family and I will go on a bike ride. I CANNOT WAIT!!

Back Fence was awesome as always. We had two storytellers telling their different sides of the same story. It was so cool. I was pretty nervous for this one because that might be boring for people. But the audience was cracking up and the tellers were just amazing. And then I flaked on hanging out with everyone afterward but I couldn’t. I needed to go home and do my traditional Back Fence cry. This is sort of an exhale for me.

And one of my co-workers showed up. It meant so much to me that she showed up. I have such respect for her and there she was!!

Speaking of work, another co-worker and I were teamed up to produce a video for a local non-profit. We had to create the concept, shoot it and edit it together. And we’re competing with another team. The judging is today. My teammate and I watched the final cut yesterday and we clapped each time we finished watching it. I am so proud of this little video, you guys. When it gets approval from the client, I’m going to post it here so you can see it.

So that’s it, wish me luck staying awake today and on the video unveiling. Because we win PRIZES! Woot!

TONIGHT!

Reserve tickets here!

Being a Mom is Hard

I don’t mind telling you, Internet, that being a mom is hard. Figuring out childcare and making sure he’s getting all his vitamins and having enough time to play outside and giving him structure and boundaries when there’s little consistency with that and did I mention the childcare thing?

If any of you know of a sitter who can work Friday afternoons for August, drop me a line. We need someone who will commit to doing that and who will become a reliable sitter, playing a role in Archie’s life.

I do a lot people. There are whole weeks when every moment of my time is scheduled. I couldn’t do all of this without Fancyhats. He does what he says he’s going to do. He’s reliable. That’s not something I’ve experienced before. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve him because he’s so good to me and Arch.

Moral today = I need a reliable sitter. And Fancyhats = amazing.

Blood Boiling

Internet, you know I run hot. I think it’s impossible to be funny and not run hot. Part of humor is noticing the weird things others do and judging them, amirite?

Well, I told you that I had my blood drawn the other day and it was for a pretty innocuous thing — my work offers a discount on health insurance if we don’t smoke and if we take part in a health fair that involves having our cholesterol etc. checked. I don’t smoke and I eat well and I have no health problems so I thought, why not?

WHY NOT INDEED.

I started blogging five years ago because I was on bedrest when I was pregnant because one day I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was through the roof. When Arch was born, the doctor said my blood pressure would return to normal and I was living under the assumption that it would…despite the fact that at each check up since then, the doctor said, “Oh! Why is your blood pressure so high?”

That happened again on Friday when I had my blood drawn except my blood pressure actually scared the woman and she made me sign a thing saying I’d call my doctor immediately. I was knocking at the door of stage 3 hypertension. I made her test me no less than six times because I was sure that with some meditation and determination I could get that baby down. No such luck.

I’ve entertained the possibility that I might be averse to doctors and when that thing closes around arm I start to hyperventalate because it’s so freaky to have that thing on my arm, but I’m pretty sure this is something I’m going to have to face.

I spent the weekend making jokes about how I’m old and how every single thing was going to make me stroke out but Fancyhats thought this was TOTALLY. NOT. FUNNY. He was like YOU HAVE TO SEE A DOCTOR. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get the pills and take better care to not run quite so hot and also not eat and McDonalds and maybe get some exercise. Except that’s the worst part. I don’t eat at McDonalds, and I swim four times a week. If I had know, I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE STARTED EATING BIG MAC FIVE YEARS AGO.

So that’s my moral today: eat all the burgers you can, because there might come a day when you stroke out. And then you can’t eat hamburgers because your mouth doesn’t work.

WHAT.

Blood Sucking

I’m getting my blood drawn tomorrow morning to check for cholesterol and whatever else they check for. I’d also like them to check for an allergy to Portland as well as whatever nutritional stuff I might have going on. I send K8 emails every day telling her how tired I am. I think they might be able to see in my blood work up that these past four days I’ve been waking up at 5:30 and coming home from working at my job + doing Back Fence things at 8-8:30pm. That might have to do with the tiredness too.

Is this post even making sense? Blame the migraine I had last night too.

ANYWAY. My blood.  I need to fast starting this evening and into tomorrow morning. I’ve never fasted. I’ve never done a cleanse or really done any sort of nutritional diet plan thing. I have no idea what it will be like to wake up, shower and get dressed without having a cup of tea at least. I’m pretty sure I might die on the way there. And maybe Fancyhats should drive me and put a cool compress on my head on the way. He put a cool compress on my head last night because I couldn’t stand up and take care of myself. He’s good that way.

In summary: I need a nap.

I am Going to Be So Sick of My Own Voice

Today I’m speaking on a panel about blogging for the PRSA chapter here in Portland. If you’re into PR and/or blogging or just want to hear me speak about blogging, then you should come. Details here.

After that, I go back to work for a while, then the Back Fence babes head over to an undisclosed location to record some voice over stuff for a super-secret Back Fence project. Well, it’s not that secret — we’re putting together a pilot for radio!

And on July 29, Back Fence is back with He Said/She Said. It’s going to be so great. We’re doing two people telling the same story. One person will be sequestered while the other one is on stage. We’ve heard three of the pairs of stories — OMG so good. Go reserve your tickets here.

We’re doing ticket reservations to avoid T*&^Master fees. I don’t want to write the name of that evil organization because they’re so rotten and litigious, I’m worried for my event because we’re breaking the rules. We don’t want our audience to pay their fees — our tickets, which would be $14 usually, are $21 with the T%$#Master charge. What is that charge for, exactly? For the pleasure of paying a percentage of any merchandise we sell to that company as well? But we’re required to use them. So this is our workaround.

As event producers, we want to have an idea of how many people are coming. And the venue needs that idea too so they can prepare their staff, etc. Reservations sort of solve that, but I can see how this new system is confusing.

If you do reserve tickets, you’ll pay $14 at the door. No fees whatsoever. Please bring cash, exact change, etc. This will help move the line. People with reservations will be guaranteed entrance. So do it! Get your tickets now!!!

I am Old

This weekend we went to a fundraiser for the Portland zoo and I realized that I am old. Let me tell you what happened.

1) I wore comfortable shoes AND I WAS GLAD FOR IT.

This was not my initial impulse. This fundraiser was cocktail attire, but it was also at the zoo, outside, on grass. The invitation said cocktail attire and comfortable shoes encouraged. When Fancyhats picked me up, I was disregarding the invitation and wearing my cupcake shoes, and Fancyhats said, “Sweets, I love those shoes, but I think you should wear comfortable shoes.” And I said, “I AM WEARING A DRESS!” And he said, “I want you to be comfortable. We’re going to be on grass.” I have a pair of the Sissy Dansko sandals in red and every molecule in my body said “OH MY GOD, YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA, YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANYTHING DANSKO TO A COCKTAIL PARTY!!!” And Fancyhats said, “I love those sandals.” So I put on the Dansko sandals. And I brought my cupcake shoes in the car and got to the party and saw all the women hobbled by the grass and the gravel and the walking and I was so happy that I could walk and walk and walk.

2) When it got chilly, I put on a cashmere cardigan. WITH POCKETS.

I purchased this cardigan from Banana Republic. Before leaving for the evening, I found a tissue in one of the pockets. I felt much better with my cashmere cardigan on.

3) We danced to a funk cover band.

There was a funk cover band and all of the old white people were dancing to their funky covers and Fancyhats and I were right there with them. Fancyhats was cutting a rug, and all I could think was that he has another 13 years of dancing to really come up with a solid routine to embarrass Archie with.

We also slow danced and gazed into each others eyes while we danced. It was pretty romantic.

4) We were in bed by 11.

We could have gone out for a proper cocktail or maybe for some karaoke or more dancing or whatever. I did have my cupcake shoes in the car, but when the time came, we were both ready to hit the hay. And that’s exactly what we did.

Also, this happened:

Can you see that? I’m eating no less than five desserts. After stuffing myself with dinner food. I ate every single bit of that dessert, Internet. EVERY LAST BITE. Yum.

Aggressive Swimmers

So over the past two weeks, I’ve gotten to the pool one day and found aggressive swimmers in all the lanes. They’re always all men and the water in the entire pool is churned up because these dudes are seriously taking out their aggression on the water.

I thought it was just a weird coincidence one day, but then it happened again yesterday. Seriously. I was sharing a lane with the least aggressive one and every time I passed the guy I was sharing with I worried I would have my face out of the water and he’d just clock me right in my nose and I’d sputter and drown and all that would be left of me was a red cloud. Yes, I totally spun it out that far.

As far as I can tell, the aggressive swimmers are there on Wednesdays, and I think I’m going to avoid Wednesdays at the pool from now on.

But that leaves other days open. Days open to the other characters I find there — the couple’s swim: these are the people who I’m not sure are a couple but seem to be who are young and slender and hip and just sort of stand around in the lane then take a lap every once in a while but neither one can actually swim. Seriously. They don’t know how to swim. They actually don’t know how to get from point A to point B. And they sit around in the lane for HOURS and don’t move when actual swimmers would like to swim. Jerks.

And then there’s the guy in the wheelchair. This dude swims forever without stopping. He’s big and slaps at the water with open hands so sharing a lane with him is out of the question. He has a wheelchair that he parks by his lane. I’ve never seen him get in and out of the wheelchair. I’ve never seen his face fully because he never takes a break from swimming. I’m pretty sure the wheelchair is to hide his true identity as a human the US government has weaponized.

Swimming Breakthrough!

YOU GUYS. On Sunday I did 21 laps! I am not even kidding. That’s after only being able to do 10 the week before. I have no idea what happened. No, I’m pretty sure I know what happened. Fancyhats and I went to the The Club, which is a secret outdoor pool here in Portland. We don’t really have outdoor pools here so this one is a find and it’s secret because we have to sneak in. No I won’t tell you where it is.

Anyway, we were at the club and Fancyhats told me to swim a lap so he could figure out why I was so lame at swimming. And I said, “This seems like the makings of a fight.” But I have to hand it to him, he’s very good at giving me instructions without making me feel like punching him in the neck.

So what I was doing was inhaling on a stroke, and lifting my head out of the water and exhaling on the next stroke. I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

He said no, that I was supposed to exhale into the water. So I tried that and felt like I might drown. I sputtered and swallowed water and again, DROWNING.

But I went to the gym pool the next day and tried that out. No. Dice. I seriously got so frustrated and I could only swim six laps before I had to stop because I was going to cry from frustration and nearly drowning. I went back to work and thought, I AM GOING TO GIVE UP.

I was seriously discouraged.

I went back to the pool and tried again. I got a tiny bit better with the exhaling in the water, but not much.

Then today I tried again and ZING! I totally got it and was able to swim and swim and swim. So awesome.

This week, my coworker is giving me a swim lesson. She’s taught me so much at work and has this way of giving me instruction that makes me totally excited to change so I think with her fine-tuning my technique, I’m on my way to the Olympics! Or maybe just to swimming for 20 minutes without stopping. EITHER ONE.

Knitting!

I’m sorry, Internet. I have to say that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything I do. I love everything I do, but sheesh. It’s a lot.

Anyway, Knitty came out with their fall issue and I can’t tell you how that puts a hole in my heart seeing as how we just started summer here in Portland. But whatever. I’m thinking about Christmas knitting already and how I haven’t even finished the sweater I started eight months ago.

I want to knit two pairs of socks for Christmas gifts. Or maybe a shawl and a pair of socks. I know I need to get started now BUT OH MY GOD HOW AM I GOING TO WEDGE IT IN?

And last year, I didn’t knit myself a winter hat. I just bought one. I like to make a winter hat that’s sort of silly and something I couldn’t buy at the store, hence my orange hat of two winters ago. Fancyhats thought it was ridiculous, but this was before we were going out so his making fun of me didn’t count. And at that point we were friends. Seriously, we really thought we could be friends. We worked really hard at being friends for a long time. I would go into the details of this, but our friendship involved a lot of smiling and pauses and one time I was riding my bike and he was sitting on his patio and I didn’t know where he lived but I happened to ride by and he said, “Hey! Melissalion!” And I just about flew over my handlebars, I stopped so fast. He then tweeted, about two hours later, something along the lines of, “Moms riding bikes with bike trailers are hot.” And I thought, “Oh. Is that about me? No, probably not. He’d never be into me.” Because I thought he only liked blond girls who played volleyball and went to bachelorette parties.

Photo by Rick Jackofsky

Anyway, I’m thinking about knitting Minty from Ravelry. Because it’s simple and I think I need something to clear the knitters’ block I’m clearly feeling with the sweater I’ve been knitting for years. I thought striping it in black and cream would be fun and sort of silly and just the perfect thing for when I’m lamenting living in a city that only has sunshine for three weeks out of the year.

I don’t think I’d do that pattern on the back, maybe just stripe the decreases or just a single color. I don’t know. I know I need to start knitting again, however.