Taking a Break

Archie is still sleeping — it’s 9:45am. I can only think he’s sick. I hope not, but there you are. It’s a cold, gray day in Portland and I could be doing many things like I’m always doing. I could be hearing the chatter of a million different tasks and projects and friends, but I’m going to opt out today.

I’m going to get my brain whole again and enjoy the quiet. Just for today.

Because tomorrow…well tomorrow is a weekend of Eastland. Friday’s show is sold out, Saturday’s show still has plenty of tickets. Get ‘em here.

Teh Cookings

I need your help, internet. I am feeling so bored with the kitchen. This is why moms make the same five meals over and over again. It becomes mindless and easy and, frankly, when we’re cooking, everyone leaves us alone so why stress about a new recipe when we can do the same thing we’ve done forever and can accomplish it with little more than muscle memory leading us on. And then when we’re making the same thing we made last week, we can think about a life where the house is cleaned by magic, and being alone isn’t something that involves a locked bathroom door and money is abundant.

And while standing there doing this very thing for the past week or so has been somewhat soothing, I think it may be too close to the Domestic Bliss for me and for Fancyhats. We haven’t been going out that long, people.

[Yes, I did miss a day with Tahiti, thank you so much for noticing.]

So, I want a recipe from you. Something to try out in the next week or so. It should be something fairly simple and with ingredients I can find at our local market without my shlepping to the posh market. Because the posh market just makes me feel bad because I can’t really afford to shop there. I can’t really afford to park there. But I love it. I love that market. I think I love it because it does make me feel bad about shopping there. YOU HEAR ME, NEW SEASONS?!? WE ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.  Or at least dysfunctional.

Jesus. When is the sun going to shine again.

Also, 2-4-1 tickets to Eastland Academy and auGi’s Halloween show still available. Click here. Date: 10/31, Code: Halloween.

And leave recipes in the comments, please.

Some thoughts on smart, pretty, funny girls

All of my girlfriends, both IRL and on the internet are funny and smart and pretty. Every single one of them will make me laugh until I cry. You could hand any one of them a microphone, or a blogging platform and they will make people laugh.

My friends were described to me the other day as “the pretty girls.” I was surprised. Mainly because I think none of my friends were the pretty girls in high school. You know the ones. Not that they weren’t pretty in high school, they were. It’s just that none of us were the blond beauties in letter jackets. We weren’t the popular girls.

The lady who said this to me is a new friend and funny as hell and smart and beautiful too. I cherish my time with her and she always offers me insights I would have never seen. So I had to take a look at that. Are my friends “the pretty girls”? They are all so pretty, but I prefer to think of them as the funny girls.

I realized I could be funny in college. I’d never thought about being funny before that. And in grad school a good friend told me, “you’re pretty funny for a girl.” I took that as a compliment. And then I started blogging and the funny followed.

And the funny friends came after that.

As I’m promoting the Eastland Academy show this weekend, I keep watching that video I posted last time, I keep thinking oh my god, they’re both so pretty! And so funny! I’m sure my priorities are off. I’m sure I should think “Oh, those seem like smart girls who are also funny.” But I don’t think that. I think Oh! Adorable! And Funny!

The point is, I have no idea what to think about any of this. I have pretty, funny, smart friends.

So check out two of my pretty, smart friends on Halloween with me and some vodka with a donation. Also, MeaganKate is bartending. Another funny, hot lady.

Buy tickets for Halloween in advance, enter the code Halloween and you get a 2-4-1 deal.

Look — aren’t they cute?

I Have a Secret For You

Do NOT tell anyone.

I’m giving away a limited number of  free tickets to the October 30th Eastland Academy/ auGi sketch comedy show. I’ve seen Eastland Academy three times and each time I’ve had tears running down my face because I’ve laughed so hard. Their comedy is dark, smart and innapropriate — my favorite kind! Also, the first time Fancyhats and I hung out as friends, we went to see Eastland. So if you want to fall in love with the man of your dreams, maybe you should attend the show…just sayin’.

I saw auGi at Mortified do this. Seriously, if you can watch that and not pee yourself, well I just don’t know.

And there will be free cupcakes, plus vodka for a donation. VODKA.

It happens at the IFCC, 5430 N Interstate, on October 30th.

You get free tickets by going here. Enter the discount code: candy. And away you go. (Shhhh…tomorrow I release more into the wild.)

Here are the Eastland ladies. Are they not adorable?

Tahiti is BACK!

OMG you guys, I brought Tahiti back. A few things made me do this — the fact that I didn’t smile once yesterday. Until afternoon when the sun came out, I swear I had just one emotion: despair.

And because this morning I knew I needed to get up and do some job hunting but I was in my bed with my flannel sheets, my electric blanket, quilt, three big pillows and my memory foam mattress and I truly felt like I could not get out of bed. It was impossible.

But what got me out of bed was knowing I could bring out Tahiti and blog about her return.

And as I send out emails and resumes and whatever, I realize I actually have a lot of pretty good skills. I mean it’s nothing to sneeze at that I have two novels published. That when I worked in PR, my clients were IKEA and a circus that shall go unnamed but rhymes with Thingling Crothers. I’ve written for one of the top ad firms in the world and also…you know… Back Fence.

I’m actually pretty excited about it. I’d like to keep doing freelance stuff, because I enjoy the flexibility. And, you know, I have other stuff I’m doing. But I’m looking forward to meeting even more new people. For getting paid for what I know and my talent to make people (the media) bend to my will. (Hi, media I AM KIDDING.)

And I’m actually doing Research and Development for a company here in town and THEY ARE PAYING ME. I know, right? They’re paying me because I know stuff and people and I can talk to people and stuff.

So there you are. I’m starting my life as a business lady. And also, Tahiti is back.

I’d like to explore some project management because god knows I can meet a deadline, make people do stuff for me and get ‘er done.

Get er done.

I’m Gonna Keep Blogging About Knitting

HAH! Another knitting post.

But first get yer tickets to Eastland Academy! It’s going to be so funny! Also, free cupcakes and vodka with a donation. Any donation. A quarter counts!

So, I finished the Shetland Triangle, and as I look toward my wintertime knitting, I’m going to focus on small projects. I’m going to finish a pair of socks I have on the needles. I’m knitting them in Louet, my favorite solid color sock yarn. I love Louet because it’s so, so, so soft and the colors are wonderfully saturated. I never have to worry about socks knit from Louet. I know they’re built to last.

I’m going to knit Pretty Thing from Yarn Harlot. Oh god, this is a wonderful pattern. I have some Sundara yarn I’ve been saving up. I’m going to use that.

I’m going to make myself a new slouchy hat and that will be from a pale blue Alpaca yarn that I have. It’s going to be super-slouchy and I think cables will be involved. Not sure yet.

And I might finish the February Lady Sweater, or maybe the beret I’ve had on the needles for two years. Or the little capelet I started in Malibu, or something for Archie…or…or…or…

Here’s another pic of my finished Shetland Traingle.

Beware: It’s a Knitting Post

I finished my third Shetland Triangle. The first Shetland Triangle I knit was the best thing I knit…ever. EVER. And I wore it most every cold day for a year and a half. And then I lost it. And I cried and cried. The second one I knit I gave as a gift and the person never, ever wore it. I actually don’t mind it when people don’t wear things I’ve given them, but this was a Shetland Triangle and I lost mine and maybe that person could have coughed theirs back up. But that was never going to happen in a million years, so whatever.

This Shetland Triangle is super special to me because it’s made from Malibu Alpaca. Before I moved from the ‘bu, I took my knitting group to the alpaca farm. We had a blast. And I bought two hanks of alpaca spun from one of the animals we met that day.

Alpaca is as warm as you can get. It’s got a hollow core, unlike sheep’s wool, so warm air is trapped within the fiber making it three times warmer than sheep’s wool. Alpaca is naturally hypo-allergenic and the itch factor is minimal. Plus it’s alpaca. And it’s not dyed. Sometimes I get weird things in my head about dyes used in clothes and wool that I put close to my skin. Fabric dye is pretty gnarly stuff. What’s more, you can use Kool-Aid to dye fabrics and it’s so acidic the color is permanent. When I’ve dyed wool using Kool-Aid, I become very happy my mom never let that crap into the house.

So, this is my Malibu Alpaca Shetland Triangle. Here’s to another layer of warmth and to Malibu…a place I lived for 11 months and totally changed my life. One day I’ll write about Malibu and what happened there, but for now just know that I’d never started any group before. And my Malibu knitting group was the first time I brought total strangers together. We’d spend our knitting night drinking wine and telling stories. Sound familiar?

The Sporting Life

First up, Back Fence is producing an event on October 30-31st and we’re giving away Saint Cupcakes and New Deal Vodka with a donation. Eastland Academy and auGi are getting together for a night of laughs and laughs and uncomfortable moments. You’ll love it. Tickets on sale this afternoon.

And I had this thought this weekend: I’m becoming a sports fan. We know that Fancyhats is a sports fan. When we met, he told me he was a baseball fan (Red Sox) and not so much about the footballs. But for someone who doesn’t love football, he sure watches a lot of it on Sundays.

I actually like baseball. I grew up going to Padres games. In my memories we were at Jack Murphy Stadium once a week, but it probably wasn’t that often. Padres games are different than other baseball games because Padres fans don’t really expect our team to win. We just like sitting in the warm air and eating fish tacos and drinking beer. Sometimes the Beach Boys would play a set after a game. It’s good.

So when Fancyhats and I got together and the Red Sox were just ramping up their season so I watched games with him. And I was able to keep up because the teams the Padres were playing always understood the rules and played well. I started enjoying the few hours we lay on his couch watching baseball and by the end of the season, I was actually biting my nails hoping the Red Sox would pull it out. They did not and I was bummed. I had no idea I had this gene in me. I couldn’t know that I had the genetic makeup to be disappointed when a sports team lost. And then I thought, OMG am I a Red Sox fan? Am I actually emotionally invested in a baseball team winning? I can’t believe it. And what’s more, am I a total follower because that’s what Fancyhats likes? I DON’T WANT THAT. But I also wanted the Red Sox to kick the asses of those stupid Southern California Angels of Los Angeles of Angels of Anaheim Angels in America.

Now here’s where things get ca-razy. Fancyhats and I also watched a college football game. It was the Oregon Ducks vs some Southern California college team who I can’t remember. And the Ducks played awesome. I can actually follow football too because there was some superbowl that my parents were really into. It involved the Denver Broncos and maybe the Detriot Steelers? I don’t know. But my mom explained the rules of football to me during that game, so I understand football a bit too. I’ve been to an NFL game as well. The Chargers. It was decidedly meh.

Anyway, we watched this Ducks game and they were awesome. They just kicked so much ass against whatever SoCal team that was. I was really impressed. I enjoyed watching it and when the game was over, I was thrilled that they had won and sad that I had no idea when I’d see a game like that again.

And since that game, I’ve seen a lot of the yellow and green Ducks logos and thought Go Ducks! In my head I thought this. Go Ducks! And even more softly in my head, I thought, That’s my team…

Body After Baby

Hey All,

I’m not in the greatest mood right now. I’m sort of realizing that the things I do — write, produce events, blog– are simply without monetary value in this culture. I thought that by being talented and producing quality things, I could change that, but it turns out that I can’t.

So I need to restructure my life a bit. I promised myself that I’d only work for myself from here on out, but that’s not going to happen. So I’m going let go of that dream and suck it up. I’m going to hang it up and work for whatever. Except I have no valuable skills. So there you are.

Oh and also being a mom really, actually means shit too. Since being a single mom, I’ve received $35 in support for Archer. I’ve been paying 100% of his medical insurance, medical bills and school. Again, shit.

And I was also thinking about body after baby stuff. You know how on the cover of US Weekly there’s always a story about a star who lost all her baby weight in six weeks. I was thinking about that because I was trying to find the silver lining in my bras being baggy and all of my size eight jeans being too big now.

And here it is: it’s been four years and I’ve finally lost all the baby weight. FOUR YEARS. So US Weekly, please go and fuck yourself.

My Wonky Eye

Okay, so I have a wonky eye. I didn’t really know this until I saw a video of myself and there it was — wonk. And then I saw pictures of myself on my birthday at the tail end of the night and again – wonk. Here’s my best guess — when I’m tired and have had a bit of booze my eye gets all wonked out.

I’ve brought this to my friends’ attention and all of them have said, “What?!? You have no wonky eye!!” And I think they’re just doing it to be polite, but really I don’t care if I have a wonky eye. I see perfectly fine and Fancyhats doesn’t seem to mind it, so whatever.

Well, I still had this lingering doubt that I had a wonky eye because my friends are honest people who love me and they’d probably tell me if I did have a wonky eye, right? Or wrong? I didn’t know. So I’m visiting my parents right now and last night we went out to Mexican food. After I’d driven a fair amount and Archie hadn’t slept well the night before, so I was tired. And I had a margarita.

And my mom came into my room while I was reading in bed and said, “Melissa, what’s wrong with your eye?”

And I said, “OH MY GOD MOM! IT’S TRUE!!! I HAVE A WONKY EYE!”

She said, “What?”

And I said, “I KNEW IT! I HAVE THAT!”

She rolled her eyes (no wonk) and walked out the door.

In summary: the wonk has been confirmed.