Riddle Me This, Lip Gloss
Posted on | September 14, 2009 | 13 Comments
A few things:
1) Entertainment for People killed. We were at capacity. The performers were amazing. It was a perfect event. Except for the part where I forgot to thank Nat and Meagan. And introduce myself. Other than that? Perfect.
2) I do not wear synthetic material. That includes panties. I also haven’t stepped foot into a Victoria’s Secret since I was 16 years old. I have pretty panties but I prefer Nordstrom and since moving to Portland, Oh Baby. For my regular daily cotton panties, I go Old Navy, and my favorites, my favorite daily hipster, cotton, boy panties come from Costco. I know, right? I just want to tell you this in case you ever think a pair of shiny nylon snags in the ass panties are mine, they are not. I believe in pretty panties. I also believe in cotton. Cotton panties ensure nice smelling lady bits. Synthetic, nylon, snag in the butt panties, however, do not.
3) Yesterday I needed to buy lip gloss. I was having that day when the kid is chattering for hours, the work stuff is barely getting done, a look at the finances is a horror and did I mention the kid chattering for hours? I was having that day and I had to go to the market because we were out of milk and all I could think of as my hands were shaking and I was feeling, I’ll say it, CRACKED OUT, was buying lip gloss. It seemed the only thing that would make my life make sense in that very moment.
So I stood in the lip gloss aisle in the market staring at the various displays as if the correct glossy fruity-tasting lip plumping thing would save my fucking life.
I picked up some Sally Hanson Comfort Shine Lip Glaze. Color: Sweet Raspberry.
And it came in a pot, which I prefer because I think it’s so sexy to watch a woman dip her finger in a pot of lip gloss and apply it to her lips. And I thought, when Fancyhats comes back from his dude weekend, I’m totally going to do that. TOTALLY. I’m going to sit next to him and when he’s telling me about dudes and golf and whatever, I’m going to carefully unscrew the lid to my new lip gloss, dip my finger in and pull that Sweet Raspberry lip gloss right across my mouth.
It was the only thing that made sense in that moment.
So I bought it, bills be damned.
And I opened it as soon as I got into the car.
And I found this:
Can you see that, internet? It’s an applicator of sorts. It’s in there and the lip gloss is not accessible by finger. GOD, HOW WAS I GOING TO SEDUCE FANCYHATS WITH NOTHING MORE THAN GROCERY STORE MAKE-UP?!?
So I pulled it out and, what’s more, it’s impossible to get any lip gloss on the fucker. After several minutes of trying, I got that little bit on there to show you, internet.
What’s more…WHAT’S FUCKING MORE is I spent the day wondering why that lip gloss made me so uncomfortable to apply. And it wasn’t until I took pictures for this very post that I realize why. It’s because that thing looks like a cat penis. A CAT PENIS.
I’ve been applying lip gloss with a cat penis.
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13 Responses to “Riddle Me This, Lip Gloss”
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September 14th, 2009 @ 9:44 am
I say – gouge at the plast-icky (emphasis on the icky) thing with a knife and free the lipgloss for the finger.
And I too, believe in pretty cotton panties. I especially like ones with butterflies on them.
September 14th, 2009 @ 10:34 am
I also believe in pretty cotton panties. The lady business must have AIR.
And I buy nail polish when I’m feeling like that. Sally Hansen nail polish, as a matter of fact.
I’m so sorry Sally failed you on the cat penis thing. I’ll write to her and tell her. She listens to me because I single handedly keep her in the nail polish business.
September 14th, 2009 @ 11:26 am
Return that shit. None of that business should touch your lips.
Also I still have the pneumonia.
September 14th, 2009 @ 12:10 pm
i don’t believe in panties.
for anyone.
and how do you know so much about cat dick?
September 14th, 2009 @ 12:17 pm
I want to be all girly and happy and talk about my panties (which are also natural fiber and don’t come from VS) and about how icky that applicator is (seriously can’t you rip out the thing cock-blocking your gloss applying finger) but instead I feel compelled to tell you that I once read an article that stated when we are in times of economic crisis lipstick and nail polish sales actually increase because it’s a simple pleasure than makes us feel better.
It made me happy because I felt like all ladies were as shallow as I am.
September 14th, 2009 @ 12:18 pm
I make lip stuff. I put mine in tubes but would get some lil’ pots if you were interested. I’m all about pleasing my clients. Currently, I have Raspberry Mango Tango and Tangerine Myst.
And yeah… that’s eerily reminiscent of cat peen. Ewwww.
September 14th, 2009 @ 12:38 pm
I have to say that I looked at the picture before reading the accompanying text and thought, “Gross. Cat penis.” So your claim is totally corroborated.
September 14th, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
No frickin way. Hilarious. I love me some sliding lip gloss tins. Avon old school.
September 14th, 2009 @ 5:39 pm
You need to seize the moment!! Please call the manufacturer of those lip glosses and explain that you’ve been blogging about their product and that you’d like to request an interview with the brand manager for that product line.
Most likely you’ll just get the cold shoulder but if you play your cards right, there’s about a 70% chance you’ll get no less than a case of lip glosses in the mail.
What do you have to lose? I’m sure we’d all love to hear how that phone call goes…
September 14th, 2009 @ 10:58 pm
The applicator is disgusting. I also like to elevate my spirits with inexpensive beauty products. The cat penis wouldn’t do it for me either.
Ken, my husband would agree with you about panties.
September 15th, 2009 @ 12:16 am
I saw it and immediately thought dog penis, before you ever mentioned the cat penis. It’s definitely a penis.
September 15th, 2009 @ 10:31 am
I have MsDarkstar’s lip glosses and I LOVE them.
September 15th, 2009 @ 5:09 pm
lisa: you are married to a wonderful man.