No Swim For Me
Posted on | September 8, 2009 | 10 Comments
God. You guys, the pool was closed. GAH. It’ll be closed through October 11th. So, I’m moving to plan b, which is go to a different pool. I would have done that today but I got stuck behind some dudes painting the lines on the road and what should have been a 10 minute trip took HALF OF MY LIFETIME.
So, Entertainment for People. You will buy your tickets in advance.
And Archie had his first day of preschool. It was good. I didn’t cry. He went off and played. It was pretty painless actually. Until the part about the line-painting roadmen and the pool closure. And then I became frustrated because let me let you into my brain, internet. Allow me to allow you a journey into my psyche.
I try to exercise most days. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes the days pile up. And at the end of those days, I think, “ah tomorrow I will exercise and it will be glorious.” And I’ll set the time and get all mentally prepared and all of the pork products I’ve been eating will seem less urgent.
And when the day comes, I exercise. Unless there are road painting men and pool closures and then I FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And suddenly I’m convined that every singe pork product has returned and is JUST WAITING FOR ITS DELICIOUS CHANCE TO LAND SOMEWHERE ON MY BODY IN THE FORM OF FAT.
Overnight this will happen.
At least, this is what my brain tells me.
Today after the road painting and the pool closure I was driving in a parking lot and three morbidly obese women were walking toward me and I had this thought, “I am going to be like them if I don’t exercise. TOMORROW.”
I realize this isn’t true. In whatever logic center I might have, I realize this isn’t true. It’s small, that logic center. It’s small and cobwebby. And, frankly, so very boring.
So for the rest of the afternoon I felt that I was going to wake in the morning morbidly obese just two short days after I bought a pair of size 29 skinny jeans.
You hear me, Internet. SIZE 29.
Now please, you do not need to leave me a comment telling me I’m thin. I realize I’m on the smaller side. I don’t think that I’m fat today. What I think is that I’ll be fat tomorrow.
I know this is not logical, or reasonable. But there it is.
If you want to leave me a comment, do it instead by buying a ticket to Entertainment for People. Or do both.
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10 Responses to “No Swim For Me”
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September 9th, 2009 @ 12:03 am
Actually, I’ll just leave you a comment telling you that I FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY. I have the same exact reaction to those days that pile up and the bacon, and … yeah. You’re not alone in your irrational fear of spontaneous obesity.
September 9th, 2009 @ 12:06 am
I already have a ticket, but I just want to tell you that 29 is my goal jean size. And, when I get to my goal, I shall have a pair of fancy jeans courtesy of my boyfriend, who said he’d buy me a pair of jeans before he knew how much my jeans cost.
September 9th, 2009 @ 2:15 am
I have this same conversation in my head every day except it’s about almond butter instead of pork products but whatevs.
THANK YOU AMERICA.
September 9th, 2009 @ 7:37 am
I have that same panic about exercise. Right now, I’m hating the 6 mini peanut butter cups I ate yesterday and if I don’t find a way to do at least 50 minutes of ass kicking cardio, I’m going to be very fat and people will laugh at my fat ass.
I actually work out while talking baby talk and shaking toys at the baby. It’s stressful as hell, but at least I can still eat peanut butter cups and people will still check out my ass.
September 9th, 2009 @ 8:57 am
“It’s small, that logic center. It’s small and cobwebby. And, frankly, so very boring.”
first i lolled.
then i thought, “so is this what i have to look forward to with my two geminis?”
then i cried.
September 9th, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
The conversation I had in my head for the last two years went something like this. “Well, if I can’t drink, then I should get to eat any goddamn thing I want.” And then I did. Until last March, when I realized that I was, in fact, obese. Well, I don’t think I was really obese (I mean, you’ve seen the pictures)- but my BMI said I was. How horrible is THAT?
So now I just smoke alot. Because if I can’t drink and I can’t EAT, then I should get to smoke. Right? My logic will kill me some day.
September 9th, 2009 @ 2:04 pm
I recommend giving yourself a 30 minute window each day to take a walk. Every day. This way you’re not thinking about “working out” or “exercising (tomorrow)” rather, you’re just taking a nice walk.
By the time you’ve debated about swimsuits, sunblock and which book to bring to the pool (and all that other fun, water related stuff), you could have already finished your walk.
September 9th, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
Just make your own pool out of a small room and heavy duty plastic + garden hose + hot rocks if you want to warm the pool.
WHY DIDN’T YOU THINK OF THAT?
Or… dumpster pool.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/20/arts/design/20pool.html
September 10th, 2009 @ 6:15 pm
@Ken, Yes with the Gemini’s, i am one, and i have fully accepted the crazy, others havent.
And Melissa lion, new commenter here. Love this place, makes me laugh out loud at my desk which makes the others uncomfortable.
And my logic space is very small today due to the obscene peanut butter in take yesterday.
Thanks for writing.
September 14th, 2009 @ 2:29 am
Everything I want to say about my weight is being shouted down by the siren song of the clam spaghetti in the kitchen.
What I like about exercising is that it makes me a much nicer person, nicer to others, nicer to me. So I should do it more.