Preschool!
Posted on | August 25, 2009 | 11 Comments
Archie is starting preschool next month. I’m pretty excited, except for the part where I don’t do well in situations with other parents and their children. Feel free to blame this on my own self-important, self-centeredness. I mean, when I’m in a group, I need it to be about ME and not anyone else. So the thought of introducing myself as Archie’s mom and not as MelissaLion — you might know me from my two Random House novels or Back Fence, or Twitter or my FAMOUS blog Recovering Californian. What do you think of my distinctive mop of black curly hair as identified by The Oregonian? — is sort of scary. I’d like to add that when Fancyhats and I went to that wedding a few weeks back, he actually scolded me for being in the buffet line talking to strangers about the O writing about hair. He was like this, “You were not just talking about the Oregonian article, were you?” And I said, “OH MY GOD, YOU’VE KNOWN ME FOR A YEAR, YOU KNOW HOW I AM IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS. I INFLATE!”
Where was I?
Oh yes, my child.
So I had to fill out the preschool questionnaire about A. And the questions were supposed to give the school a glimpse at Archie through my eyes. I’m paraphrasing, but the eyes part is right. Anyway, there were questions like: what brings your child joy? What things cause your child emotional distress? What relationships are important to him (animals, books, arts)?
So I answered them as best I could.
Joy: Running, climbing, music, painting, cooking.
Emotional distress: someone taking toys away.
Relationships: Mom and Dad, Grandma, etc. And penguins, dogs, cats, elephants, all books, painting (he’s not into crayons).
And then I thought about this a little bit more and realized I was sending him to a posh arty preschool with rich parents who can actually afford it and who maybe aren’t single moms with a boyfriend (because how 1985 SoCal can I get?!) and living in North Portland. For those of you not in Portland, please know that North Portland is an “up and coming” neighborhood, according to my realtor.
Gah.
So maybe I should rethink the answers to those questions.
My tentative new responses:
Joy: a chilly evening, a glass of port and a quiet moment with Camus.
Emotional distress: Blood diamonds.
Relationships: Wittgenstein, Linnaeus, Ellie Wiesel. Please don’t bring up Camille Paglia, she just upsets him. He sometimes takes his chalk and his Ikea easel and recreates The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch.
I think these seem like better answers. What say you, internet?
Also, Archie has a male teacher. If Arch gets a bad mark in finger painting or song time, I plan to solve that like I solved bad marks in college: in a push-up bra, a camisole and tight jeans.
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11 Responses to “Preschool!”
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August 25th, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
Camille Paglia upsets me too…Archie can come over for a glass of port and we’ll cry together about it.
His preschool sounds just like Char’s. Arty and full of Escalade Pajama Cunts. Just don’t look at anyone or volunteer for anything and you’ll be alright. That’s how I handle it.
Also, I show up drunk.
August 25th, 2009 @ 12:20 pm
Also, I prevented bad marks with that same outfit, only I added a lollipop.
August 25th, 2009 @ 12:21 pm
You inflate in social situations? Gah! I need MORE lessons from you now! I deflate and do things like shrink and nod and cry. YOU SCARE ME!
I say you liberate those pajama cunts that Crissy is talking about. Swear openly, sputter feminism freely and talk about your hair. Soon they will ALL WANT YOUR HAIR.
August 25th, 2009 @ 12:27 pm
Just give Archer a stack of your business cards to hand out.
August 25th, 2009 @ 12:36 pm
Just tell him not to hide in the toy basket and not tell anyone, okay? I did that in preschool and fell asleep, and everyone left for some field trip without me and I was terrified. TERRIFIED.
August 25th, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
Wait a second. When you’re out in public, you don’t talk about ME?
I’m going to need some time to think about this.
August 25th, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
you could dye his hair black and perm it and then when people commented on his hair? perfect opening for the O article.
August 25th, 2009 @ 5:13 pm
I vote for being quiet and reserved and allowing Archimedes to have a level playing field at the onset of his schooling. You have plenty of time to be known…just remember most school parents who are “known” are known for a reason. Snark will get you no where and timely presents will get you everywhere.
Male teacher? Archie needs to be bringing that guy a plate of chocolate chip cookies from his doting mother on a monthly basis. He will have no choice but to play favorites with your son. (Plus, great excuse to make chocolate chip cookies.)
August 25th, 2009 @ 5:32 pm
Send your kid to preschool with an Abacus and blow some minds?
August 25th, 2009 @ 5:32 pm
Also – I guess abacus is a proper noun now.
August 26th, 2009 @ 9:08 am
i’m gonna give you a bad mark unless you ante up with a picture of you in a push-up bra, a camisole and tight jeans.
… right on the bum with my crop!