The Life Cleanse

Painting party after July 21st. And that’s a good new life thing, is it not? Who’s coming over? I’ll provide beer and pizza. And paint and brushes. I have no specific date for this party, but you know, just come on by but not from the 23-25 when I’ll be SPEAKING at Blogher.

Yesterday as part of my new life, I started getting rid of all the clothes that make me feel fat. Or that I bought after my pregnancy because I couldn’t fit into my old pre-pregnancy clothes. Some clothes I still can’t fit into. My boobs are bigger now and my ribcage never went back to its original size. But I just don’t want to wear size 10 jeans. And if I put on enough weight that I need to move up to a size 10, then instead of buying those jeans, I’ll just bike and cut back on the hamburgers and beer and fit into my size 8’s.

I’m on the ebb of my yearly weight, with summer here I’ll ride my bike every day and as it gets warmer, salads and small meals sound better. Plus I’m doing a high fiber thing these days to help the weight loss a bit. I still have no scale and the last time I weighed myself I was at 150. So whatever. I have no idea what my ideal weight is. I know that when I bike a lot I get pretty firm all over. Not skinny at all, just firm. Makes me feel stronger mentally and physically.

Back to the clothes. I got rid of the clothes for a few reasons. The first is that they made me feel bad. Not too bad, but bad enough that I wasn’t 100% focused on the day. I had a small part of me that felt crappy. I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to focus on the day and my son, the amazing people in my life. My career, my projects, myself. I want to look at Portland, and not inside at stupid things that feel bad about myself.

I truly do love this city. I love all the trees and when I lose focus on the small moments beauty here, I’m just wasting my fucking time, you know?

Also, Fancyhats (that’s the new boy’s name) makes me feel beautiful. He sees me as beautiful. Since meeting him (well, we’ve known each other for a year) but since I’ve been spending time with him, the light I feel inside of me, the one that drives me to do Back Fence and Dinner and a Story and get together with Frayn weekly and daydream about possibilities big and small, is on all the time. He makes me feel that anything is possible. Not just these events we want to do, not just the love I have of entertaining people, giving people an great experience, I feel like I can do anything. So, if I’m feeling this great stuff, why do I want to spend a single day wearing jeans that don’t fit me right? I don’t.

So to Goodwill it is. So far, I have two garbage bags of clothes. TWO GARBAGE BAGS of clothes that made me feel bad. That’s ridiculous. Some of my friends are doing cleanses. They’re watching their food and taking pills to get the crud out. Right now, I’m doing a life cleanse. Getting rid of things that make me feel bad, of things that remind me, still, of the post-partum depression, things that don’t reflect the way I feel inside, of who I am.

V always says, “The universe abhors a vacuum.” I’ve made way for the good stuff and here it comes. Everyday another very great things falls into my lap.