I bought…

Oh, aren’t those cute? And then I wore them for 7.5 hours and walked around the greater Portland metro area, so now I want to cry a little bit. But on they go tonight because I’m going to a play, people. A PLAY.

Also, I got this as a gift.

Because, right?

Finally, K8 asked about Naughty Monkey shoes. I own a pair.

Those babies have a 4″ heel and they are brutal. Brutal.

I want…

Couple of concerns: 3 3/4″ heel, and $178.00.

What say you, internet?

Link here.

Delicious Stuff

Okay, remember the Melissa Lion Smugacity Challenge? And for one whole week, we all felt superior to EVERYONE who wasn’t reading this blog?

Ahhh the salad days…

Anyway, I have something else that makes me smug and better than everyone — I make pizza at home. I KNOW. I do it a lot and it costs a fraction of what it costs to buy pizza and it’s delicious. I’d say a two pizzas cost about $2.50 each when made at home.

I make the crust too and that’s super simple. All you need is a food processor.

Here’s the crust recipe:

2 1/4 teaspoons yeast

4 cups of flour (I do 3 white, 1 wheat)

Salt

Put the yeast in 1/4 cup warm water. Let it sit there while you put the flour and salt in the food processor and process it up. Add 1 1/4 cup warm water to the 1/4 cup water and yeast. Put a couple of blurps of olive oil in there too. Stir it. Pour the water yeast oil mixture into the flour as you process at low speed. Soon it’ll all come together and you can dump that into a lightly-oiled bowl. Let that rise for a couple of hours.

I make the tomato sauce too. I always have canned tomatoes in the house and I just put a little garlic in some hot oil, then dump a couple of cans of tomatoes in there. I hit it with my immersion blender and then let it simmer until it’s thick. If I remember, I put some oregano and hot pepper in there too.

As for the cheese, I buy a loaf of mozzarella at CostCo, where it costs $3.50, and I grate it myself.

AND THEN what I do is top the pizza with whatever in the house is about to turn. How clever am I?!?

I bake it at 500 on a cookie sheet — no pizza stone. And I make two pizzas. One for dinner, and the rest are leftovers for breakfast and lunch.

Okay, so that’s fresh pizza. Don’t you feel like the most awesome human being ever??

Warning: A Knitting Post

One freckle done! I went to a baseball game yesterday and started on my next freckle. God, I love Socks that Rock. The base yarn is just top quality and the dye is amazing. STR truly is everything you hear about. When I was in California, I had to fight to get a skein of this yarn because I always buy yarn at the store, and never online. So when STR came into my local yarn store in California, they’d sell out in a matter of minutes.

But Socks That Rock is based near Portland so we have a bit more inventory and I can sort through the colors and smell each skein to decide which to buy. Normally I knit socks with bright colors. I figure if I’m going to knit a pair of socks they’d better be bright pink and purple and orange because I can buy plain socks anywhere. But my favorite STR colors are the pastels. I love the slow transitions and the slight contrast.

I’m not saying I don’t like the brighter STR colors because I do, dear god, I do. And I own plenty of it. But now that I’m knitting for myself again, this Freckle with its pale blue, hay yellow, and tea au lait brown soothes me. Helps me focus on the things I need and want right now. And one thing I want is a new pair of Socks that Rock socks.

And also a cute sundress.

What the Shit

So, I had this thought four days ago and it went like this: OMG, you know what would be funny? A dramatic Twitter reading. And people will read tweets dramatically. HAHAHAHAH! And I shall crib an expression from Kiala and call it What the Shit. And because I firmly believe in displacing stress and anxiety on things that are not at all related to the things I’m feeling stressed about, I then spent my WHOLE WEEK planning this event. And by planning, I mean daydreaming of a day when, like Mortified, What the Shit is a national phenomenon and I am FAMOUS.

So, anyautograph, I asked Mediachick if I could do the event on Friday at Beer n Blog, because they have a captive audience already and a space booked and…okay I’m lazy. So whatever. And she said yes, because she understands that this event is funny. FUNNY. So that’s that.

Here’s all the info on What the Shit. Happens today at 5. RSVP here.

Welcome to the inaugural What the Shit Dramatic Twitter Reading Series. I started What the Shit 40 years ago in internet time (Monday) as a way for Twitter users to tap into latent performance desires and let the world celebrate the beauty and anguish, the light and dark, the cacophony and symphony of communicating in 140 characters. Let us join together and experience the poetry of Twitter.

And because I believe humor needs structure, as does lingerie and post-modernism (if you must know), there are rules to What the Shit. Check ‘em.

Rules of What the Shit

Readers will sign up at Beer and Blog fifteen minutes prior to start time and readers will read in order of signing up. There will be an actual piece of paper and pen for the sign up. A writer will be on hand to help anyone with this technology.

What the Shit will last for 40 minutes. If you don’t get a chance, then sign up sooner next time.

Each reader reads a maximum of six tweets in his/her best dramatic tone and/or poetry voice.

All emoticons must be spelled out. LOL can be pronounced. Hashtags are to be be identified as pound sign [text].

The author of the post must be credited at the end.

All posts are fair game.

Repeats of tweets are fine and, in certain cases, encouraged.

Be mindful of the narrative arc of your reading.

If one of your tweets is read, this is a compliment. Remember, there’s no crying in Twitter dramatic readings. Chest beating and keening are okay.

You must have an active Twitter presence to take part in What the Shit.

Any and all internet documentation of What the Shit is encouraged, and the hashtag #whattheshit has been reserved.

Hello? Hello, Internet?

Hi Internet,

How are you today? I am well.

*Stalling for time*

Have you seen Lady Clover’s blog? Basically, I wish Gina and I were closer in age and that I lived in LA before I decided to do that whole have a kid thing because seriously. We could have gotten into some serious alcohol poisoning fun.

And for you self-help junkies out there, I like this article.

Here’s a picture of me writing last night.

I wasn’t wearing an underwire. I am a firm believer in underwires and I’m a bit distressed that I look a little saggy, but I don’t know what to say about that. I’m working with some new looks. But it’s true that proper lift makes you look ten pounds thinner.

Also, we will announce the Back Fence lineup in a few days. It’s off the hook.

And did you RSVP for my birthday party? That’s something important.

Finally, it’s been hot here in Portland. In the 80’s. And so I’ve been out and enjoying that.

Okay, good.

Any links or anything I should know about? Leave ‘em in the comments.

All Shall Love me and Despair, Redux

Hey– comments are still open on the sexy post. Do answer, please. It is helping me.

Also, yes my ego is GIGANTIC. Enormous. Huge.

I listed my birthday party on Upcoming. Because it is an event. And I am planning it. SO THERE.

All I really want for my birthday is my friends, drunk, all in one place.

RSVP here.

Sexy is as Sexy Does

Okay Fan Club, I have a serious question for you and I’d like you to leave answers in the comments. You can leave them anonymously, if it makes you more comfortable.

Here’s what I want to know — have you ever been to a live event that was just sexy as hell. I mean you had to leave in the middle and hit with that dude sitting next to you because you couldn’t stand it any longer.

I’m not talking about a live sex show and not a strip club. It’s a performance, a play, a reading, whatever. Someone is not naked but turning you on.

Tell me about the event, and what, specifically was so hot about it.

Specifics are great and please take your best guess about what made it so good for you.

Update: if it’s never happened to you, try to imagine what it would take.

Thanks!

I Rule Portland with an Iron Fist

So, Word to Your Mother was awesome. So awesome. The space has 500 seats and we filled 400+. It’s 700 standing, and I’ve been there for standing room only shows — scary. But it was amazing to see that many people all together to see a show I had a small part in. It was just awesome. It’s been making me smile for days. Thank you to everyone for your support!

Also, my birthday is in less than a month. And I don’t really enjoy people wishing me a happy birthday and FOR FUCK’S SAKE, no one sing to me because that makes me crawl under a table, but I do like a chance to get together with my friends and party like it’s 1995 (and I am 20).

But, I’m a little bit concerned about this year, because nothing sounds better to me than heading out to a bar and drinking for a goodly portion of the night, then going dancing, then (and here’s where I’m worried) going to a strip club. Because apparently (and this is just my reading on the situation) there are strip club people and karaoke people in Portland. Both diversions are very popular here (it is paradise, in case you’re wondering) but it seems that nary the two shall meet.

And so. What to do?

I am not particularly good at the karaoke. Ask Will Radik. He saw me in true karaoke form, which is where I stand there absolutely still, clutching the mic for dear life, blushing to the tips of my hair, singing poorly and berating myself internally for believing this would be a good idea.

I am, however, excellent at sitting at the rack and watching girls get nekkid.

So, friends. Anyone have any suggestions?

Or better, if there’s a party planner in the Fan Club, would you mind just planning the whole damn thing? It must involve drinking and music and my friends*.

*Bonus points if someone wrangles Kiala up here.

Word to Your Mother!

OMG…GAHHHH… it’s tonight! (Okay, that was just for you fan club. For the rest of Portland, I’m cool as a cucumber about co-producing an event at a venue that holds 700 people standing. I pooped myself a little when I wrote that.)

So far, ticket sales are totally on track. We’re all feeling awesome about it and I’m excited, if a bit nervous. For Back Fence to go from a space that held 60 and had no proper restroom to this *ahem* far larger space in less than a year and for us to be on the bill with some real heavy hitters, is sort of mind-boggling. But I always remind myself that it’s not magic, what we do. We work hard on this event, Frayn and I word exceptionally well together, we are always thinking about the event and making it better and, I hope, we’re always kind and friendly and open.

So, here we are. The Bagdad.

Tickets in advance end at 4. After that, you need to buy them at the door.

Free cupcakes, free buttons. Loch Lomond is playing. It’s a great way to celebrate moms!