Houston, We Have a Problem
Posted on | January 18, 2009 | 8 Comments
I’m going to post this on the weekend, because I don’t want anyone feeling cheated by a knitting post while surfing blogs during work hours.
Here’s the February Lady’s Sweater thus far:
It’s still in process, I need to keep knitting the bottom, and the sleeves. And if I had any sort of editing skilz, I’d draw a little line on the right side of my upper chest near my shoulder at that raglan decrease because it’s very, very off the mark.
Okay, now it’s on the left side because it’s very difficult to figure out how to take a picture of ones own shoulders. Think about that, Internet. I’m like MC Escher. MC Melissa Escher in the HOWZE!
Whatever.
Okay, but see how that raglan decrease is giving me a third boob above my other boob? Gah. You know why? Because I totally screwed the pooch on the increases. When a pattern says, “Increase X stitches evenly” you can bet your sweep boppy (did anyone else’s grandparents say that?) that I will mess up the math. Badly. To the point that I don’t knit sweaters because I can’t work it out. Now, when those increases came, V found me a knitting calculator on the internet and I entered some numbers, hit submit and I not only got my very own Thai orphan, but I also got the correct increases. I’m sure they were correct because the internet is never wrong.
But what I did with those increases is anyone’s guess. You see, V and I spent a solid three hours each evening watching Mad Men. So I’m sure I was sitting there increasing my little heart away and thinking very naughty thoughts about Don Draper that would mimic the knitting motion quite nicely.
Here’s a little poem about knitting:
In through the front door,
once around the back,
peek through the window,
and off jumps jack
Anywayz, I wound up with too many stitches, and when it came to separate for the sleeves, I separated according to a smaller number, therefore one side would have more stitches than the other. What’s worse, is I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING. But I’d had so much frustration with the sweater until that point, I couldn’t tear it back, because I knew that if I did, there would be no more sweater, just me showing up to Twisted, ala Carrie, except instead of pig’s blood, there would be blue Malabrigo yarn pouring thought my tresses.
So I kept on knitting. Because while pig’s blood is my color, sadly I couldn’t waste Malabrigo yarn.
And now I have a third boob on that sweater. I’m choosing to think of it as every man’s dream come true and not so much something that belongs in a freak show.
And I’m knitting it and watching Mad Men. Still. So if you see me on the streets and I’m wearing that sweater, be kind. Say something like, Oh, what a lovely third boob you have. And gee that yarn is soft. And oh my god, your increases are simply marvelous. Because truth be told, when it comes to this sweater, I’m still not that far off from having a Carrie moment all over again.
Also, this happened yesterday.
That’s my knee. I was walking and next thing I knew, I was landing, very hard, on one knee on the cement. It was painful. A lot of painful. Full of pain, as it were.
And you know what I thought as soon as I stood, felt tears in my eyes, felt sorry for myself because there was no one around to kiss it and give me ice and hand me my computer with the latest episode of Mad Men and take my three year old for one single hour so I could wallow in my self-pity for a little while, was GODDAMN YOU INTERNET.
I thought, maybe I caused this accident because of my last post. Maybe because I wrote about my clumsiness, I then LIVED IT.
So, I will leave this post with this thought: I’M RICH! I’M RICH! I’M RICH!
Comments
8 Responses to “Houston, We Have a Problem”
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January 18th, 2009 @ 3:51 pm
The only thing that I love more than the thought of 3 boobs, is this post!
January 18th, 2009 @ 5:00 pm
I sure hope your knee does better. That just looks painful!
January 18th, 2009 @ 5:12 pm
I’ve had my share of knitting woes this weekend. Sigh. Starting my first sock for the fifth time. But I really like all the patterning at the bottom of your sweater. Once you finish that, no one will notice your third boob!
FYI — I will be at Twisted next Saturday the 24th a bit after 11am. I am coming in on the Seattle to Portland Yarn Train aka Amtrak.
January 18th, 2009 @ 6:36 pm
I don’t understand how more boobs could be bad.
Unless you are a gay man. But even then it wouldn’t be bad so much as confusing.
January 20th, 2009 @ 12:59 am
what a great post, it was such fun to read
January 20th, 2009 @ 7:27 am
This is why I don’t knit. Not only would it come out looking like I did it with my feet, but I would be pissed off and frustrated all the time.
January 21st, 2009 @ 1:20 pm
You’re clumsy like me. I like that.
January 21st, 2009 @ 5:45 pm
K. I fall down, rather more than an adult female with both her own legs should… and not even always because I’m drinking (but sometimes), so I feel your “painful.” Also, we should tell everybody it’s because we’re so smart and intellectual and stuff, so busy with all the Very Important Things going on in our heads that we sometimes forget where our feet are. Plus, I need to learn to take the wine bottle downstairs to the family room WITH me. Duh.