Yes, Another One
Posted on | December 24, 2008 | 9 Comments
So I’m going to do these posts on abundance from time to time because for fuck’s sake, Fan Club, I’ve got a good fucking life. And I think most of you have good lives too. So, anyway, abundance.
This week’s abundance post is about crack. And addiction. See, I don’t have many addictions, (with the exception of Thai dancing girls and ADRENALIN) I have but two. Ahmad Assam long leaf golden tippy tea and Altoids cinnamon gum. When I put either of those things in my mouth (smooches, Ken) I feel a wave of pleasure crash through my brain. It’s pretty awesome.
The tea, like so many herbal goods, I have shipped up to me from San Diego. The gum…well…the gum has been hard to find for these past nine months. And that’s been hard, Fan Club. Very hard. (I haven’t had sex in a while and this post is sounding oh so dirty). Anyway…sex…hard…vibrators. Where was I?
Gum.
My mom shares my addiction to this Altoids cinnamon gum, which we call crack, and we’ve had numerous conversations that go a little like this:
Mom: Melissa, I’ve had to stop chewing the crack because I’ve noticed that my mouth is bleeding.
Me: I know. I haven’t been able to taste food in weeks.
Mom: It’s so strong. And hot. Makes my tongue hurt.
Me: I know.
[Pause: the rattle of what sounds like hard candy in a tin and then two attractive brunettes with great smiles chewing two pieces each of...well...crack.]
Mom: That’s better.
Me: MmmmmHmmmm.
So for the last nine months we haven’t been able to find it and my mom and I have been acting all eh…we didn’t need it anyway. We acted this way because the truth we feared was all too brutal. But still we looked. And chewed lesser cinnamon gum. And then a month ago, I was in a cigar shop and newsstand with a wonderful selection of gum and I asked the guy point blank about the gum. And by point blank, I mean my hand was shaking as I was holding a small revolver to his nose and screaming: PASS OVER THE RED CIRCLES MUTHAFUCKA.
And he said Altoids stopped making it.
So I called my mom and said something like, “Hey Mom, yeah, I just got a dragon tattoo on my back and Archer is outside playing in traffic and Steve’s out whoring and I’ve decided to start hooking on the streets and Altoids has stopped making the gum.”
She said, “I know.”
We got off the phone and I felt better, Internet. I faced my fear. Realized my addiction had come to an end and maybe I was free. Unwillingly free, but free.
And then when I was in Portland experiencing the SADDs and stuck in the house for days on end, a break came in the storms and I asked Steve to drive me to New Seasons because sometimes New Seasons is the only place that will make me feel better. I was wandering the aisles and at the very end of the check-out stands, the very last one, I glanced down at the candy selection and lo and motherfucking behold were 20 packs of Altoids cinnamon gum.
I calmly grabbed both boxes. Took my cell phone out of my purse, called my mother and whispered, “I’ve found the crack.”
Mom (whispering): What?
Me: Mother, I found it. Crack.
Mom: How many?
Me: Twenty.
Mom: Buy it all, Melissa. BUY. IT. ALL.
And so I did and shipped half to my mom.
Here’s the moral: even when you think there’s none, there’s always more.
Also Happy Resurrection Baby Jesus Day! That’s today, right?
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9 Responses to “Yes, Another One”
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December 24th, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
Is it weird that I am so sad they don’t make Di-gel anymore? It’s an antacid. Makes me sad.
December 25th, 2008 @ 10:59 am
I feel the same way about Diet Vanilla Coke.
Why would they stop making that? WHY MELISSA?
December 26th, 2008 @ 3:26 pm
I love the moral, it made me smile.
There is always more.
December 26th, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
When are you coming HOME????
December 27th, 2008 @ 8:39 pm
“lo and motherfucking behold.” “Buy. It. All.”
Hilarious! Thanks for the story!!
December 28th, 2008 @ 11:10 am
Do you know if Morningstar Farms will start making lentil loaf again? I heard they stopped and that is horrible because I don’t have any left. That’s the crack that my mother-in-law and I share and when we find it we hoard it and sometimes we will share with friends but only if they give us five bucks per loaf.
That gum is totally awesome too.
December 28th, 2008 @ 11:11 am
Oh and I love “lo and motherfucking behold” too.
December 29th, 2008 @ 12:03 pm
When Victoria’s Secret stopped making Her Majesty’s Rose Garden scent, I went insane, calling their offices all over the world – insisting that they scour their warehouses for any and all of it.
Yes. I. Did.
December 31st, 2008 @ 10:23 am
“When I put either of those things in my mouth (smooches, Ken) I feel a wave of pleasure crash through my brain.”
i am pleased with the juxtaposition of words and parentheticals in this sentence.