Recovering Californian

Actualizing narrative since 2009, or 1975 depending on how you look at it.

I’m Trying to Protect You

Posted on | November 20, 2008 | 13 Comments

Hello Fan Club,

Two days ago, I received an email from an cellular telephone company saying that they would send me, MELISSA LION, a cell phone if I would blog about it and tweet about it. And because I’m a greedy, greedy person, I hit reply and started typing out my answer, which was YES! But, Fan Club, I’m all about the self-improvement and self-reflection and when I have this reaction to things, I’m trying to sit tight a moment and improve and reflect and not just jump up and wave my hand around. So I let it rest and I went about my day abusing orphans and eating fast food reviewing books.

And in the afternoon, I opened a new email to a friend who is wise in all things giveaway and I began typing this email, “[blank] wants to send me a phone so I’ll blog about it and the thought of doing this makes me feel like a whore, and not in a good way.” I didn’t even hit send, because I had my answer, which was no for those of you who don’t believe I could feel bad about feeling like a whore (you know me too well).

So I sent the nice woman at this company an email saying I am a professional writer and my blog is for my personal writing, and while my personal writing might be done for free, it’s led to paying work and so if there was a project that they needed professional writers for, this is my hourly rate and my dollar per word rate.

She’s not emailed me back.

Here’s my point, Fan Club, I did it for you, I don’t want my blog being a playground for corporate America, I only want to shill for things I like and care about and can you imagine me suddenly lurving a cell phone? Like I love my four-inch heels that Zappos.com gave me a phatty discount on?

So with that in mind, I’m reading this book right and loving it.

Here’s the Greatest Poetry Book OF ALL TIME.

Register for my class here.

Back Fence tickets here.

And, LG if you want to send me this washer and dryer, I will film myself tongue kissing them and, I don’t care if my clothes smell and look like 3 day old barf after being washed in these things, I will change my blog’s title to LG Makes My Panties Wet *get it?* for ONE WHOLE WEEK.

Love,

Melissa

Category: Maybe I should call my therapist, Other Bloggers Make Me Wet, Writing Thoughts by Melissa Lion

Comments

13 Responses to “I’m Trying to Protect You”

  1. Kristen
    November 20th, 2008 @ 10:33 am

    Someone contacted me about doing the same thing with some sort of used car finding service. Like, how am I supposed to work that into my blog?

    I’m totally with you on the washer and dryer though. I can be bought as long as it’s stuff I want.

  2. Ceci
    November 20th, 2008 @ 10:55 am

    1) I agree with you. There are some things worth whoring yourself for (the things you can stand behind) and if you can’t see yourself seriously getting excited about it, then that’s not it. If, for example, the good people at Virgin-Atlantic wanted me to write about how MARVELOUS they are (which they are… at least, to me anyway) for a free trip to London, I’d be ALLLL over it. I think you know in your gut when it’s just not a good fit, even if that means no free stuff.

    2) I’m going to sign up for your class as soon as I can (the boyo’s bike is in the shop)

    3)Same goes for Back Fence :P

  3. apollocreed
    November 20th, 2008 @ 10:55 am

    I got the same email I bet. I didn’t reply because they weren’t going to pay me. Fuck them.

  4. stoogepie
    November 20th, 2008 @ 11:23 am

    Hold on a goddamn minute! Is everybody but me getting these offers? Nobody has asked me to whore my blog! Nobody! And I would have done it for a fucking cheese sandwich.

    I am not ashamed of being a total whore. Of course, I am not a professional writer. Or a professional much-of-anything. Besides whore, I mean.

    I live in NYC so if you hadn’t told me that’s what a washing machine looked like, I would not have known. So, if the washing machine people are reading this, contact Melissa and Crissy. If the cell phone people or the used car people or the cheese sandwich people are reading this and want me to whore my blog for them, contact me right away. I can put you in a Mister Shorts: “Yeah, well, I’ve got a fantastic cell phone with crystal clear reception and no dropped signals in my shorts that I’d like for you to sign up for with an expensive and unbreakable three-year contract.” See, I’m good at this.

  5. Robert
    November 20th, 2008 @ 11:46 am

    Robert Pollard contacted me and said he’d send me free records if I talked about him every 3 posts.

    WHERE ARE MY RECORDZ?

  6. ken
    November 20th, 2008 @ 1:04 pm

    the washer and dryer are nice, but you’re at your best when you’re dirty, melissa lion.

  7. M.
    November 20th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm

    Melissa just happened to have at hand a photo of the LG washer/drier combo. She’s serious, LG.

  8. Kiala
    November 20th, 2008 @ 2:30 pm

    I got the same email from Nokia. What the hell Nokia? I HAVE AN iPHONE. What would I want with your shitty phone for the poors?

    Wait…don’t you have a Nokia, Melissa?

    oops. SORRY!

  9. tdifalco
    November 20th, 2008 @ 8:22 pm

    Hey, M. … is that you? Where are you, where’ve you been? I miss you .. (sniff). Are you coming back?

  10. Boldmama
    November 20th, 2008 @ 10:14 pm

    Can I have the phone? :-)

  11. Miss Daisy
    November 20th, 2008 @ 10:59 pm

    If you like Zappos you should check out

    http://www.endless.com

    and

    http://www.piperlime.com

  12. k8
    November 21st, 2008 @ 9:54 am

    At least you whore for the things you love.

  13. Bambola
    December 1st, 2008 @ 12:11 am

    You are hilarious! I only just discovered your blog & it’s great! Nice to know you will only be influenced by worthwhile bits & pieces. Shoes are worth the bribery!

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