Recovering Californian

Actualizing narrative since 2009, or 1975 depending on how you look at it.

Here’s Where I Ask You To Do Stuff

Posted on | October 21, 2008 | 10 Comments

Welcome friends, to the 87th quarterly Melissa Lion Non-Royalties Post. Every quarter I get a statement from my agent explicitly detailing my non-royalties. It tells me how many books I’ve not sold. It’s a little like the time my high school boyfriend sent me a letter in college where he outlined his erect penis, but different.

No, this love letter has a bunch of numbers and my book titles next to them and then at the bottom of a complicated subtraction equation, it says in bold print: UNEARNED BALANCE. This is part of the romance of being a published novelist. I KNOW! Perhaps this is why, when people tell me they want to be writers, I stare at them with this expression:

I would also like to say that it’s 3:40am and I can’t sleep because I might or might not be planning what amounts to a party for 160 people on Wednesday and that’s a little bit of pressure. (BUY TICKETS NOW.) And to see this or this in my hunt for Homer Simpson images is a little…I don’t know… makes me want to say, “Oh internets, you so craaaaaaaaaaaazy!” And then bathe my brain in bleach. That’s do-able right? Wait…let me google it.

Okay, so my UNEARNED BALANCE on Swollen is $2,566.48 and on Upstream is $1,748.50.

What I need is to sell approximately 2,000 copies of Swollen and 1,500 copies of Upstream in order to earn out my advance. And then, after that, I can start earning royalties and we can have a celebration but not a big one, because they’re royalties, which is the equivalent of a kiss after a reach around. I KID, RANDOM HOUSE — HAHAHAHAHLOLHAHAHAHAH!!!!1!!!!!!!#!!!!!

That means, each of you, needs to buy 1000 copies of my books. Not really, more like 800.

It’s actually not that many when you think about America and how many people know how to read in this country. So, maybe we can start an internet revolution, kinda like Stoogiepie did for Crissy when she wooped Dooce’s ass on the hottest Mommy blogger award. GO CRISSY! Crissy then took a nekkid picture of herself because that was the deal and you can find that supa-hot picture on Crissy’s blog if you follow that link above. Maybe I can be persuaded to make a picture of myself if I start earning a royalties on my books. What???

Buy Swollen here. And Upstream here.

And yes, those are links to Barnes and Noble.

Thank you and good night.

Category: Writing Thoughts by Melissa Lion

Comments

10 Responses to “Here’s Where I Ask You To Do Stuff”

  1. ken
    October 21st, 2008 @ 5:58 am

    i’ll take your picture.

    we just have to find a way to get in the same room at the same time.

  2. Nathalie
    October 21st, 2008 @ 8:42 am

    160 people! Good lordy. That’s amazing.

  3. Kristen
    October 21st, 2008 @ 9:17 am

    And I shall hold the lights for Mister when he takes your picture.

    Lighting is everything.

  4. Kiala
    October 21st, 2008 @ 10:38 am

    Maybe your publisher isn’t using the New Math.

    You should ask.

  5. Charley
    October 21st, 2008 @ 11:04 am

    You have it backwards: Naked picture first, uptick in book sales follows. Trust me.

  6. stoogepie
    October 21st, 2008 @ 7:53 pm

    Will you get one of those awesome Homer Simpson tattoos if you sell 3,500 books? I would love to focus on your book problem, but the Homer Simpson tattoos are really on my mind right now. New bucket-list item: fuck Homer Simpson.

    Okay. I’m done.

    If there is one thing Jesus has taught me, it’s that there is a marketing solution to every problem. Let’s discuss these issues of the 3,500 measly books and your lack of nakedness at your leisure.

  7. Amy
    October 21st, 2008 @ 11:54 pm

    I’ve read both of your books and they’re wonderful. I encourage all melissionlion readers to buy a couple copies of each book. And I hope melissalion readers will post links on their blogs and persuade their readers to likewise purchase a few books. Come on. We can do this.

    BackFencePDX is going to be fabulous.

    Keep breathing.

  8. Zoe Trope
    October 22nd, 2008 @ 12:22 pm

    I don’t know if it’s funny or not, but I am WAY farther away from seeing royalties. Good luck, my dear friend.

  9. Robert
    October 22nd, 2008 @ 2:00 pm

    I’ve been receiving royalties for the last 8 months or so.

    Being royally awesome!!!!!!!

    hmmmmm…

  10. Jessica
    October 28th, 2008 @ 8:22 pm

    New fan of your blog. Also a reader. If I buy one of your novels, would you consider a guest column in my magazine? (I will buy either way :-) )

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