I’m Allergic to More Stuff!
Posted on | September 12, 2008 | 20 Comments
Yesterday the Melissa Lion family went for a bike ride. And Steve was like, “Let’s ride to Hawthorne!” And I was like, “Wow! No!” And he kept asking and I kept saying no because if we were going to ride to Hawthorne from St. John’s we might as well have ridden to California. IT’S THAT FAR. We did ride all over the place to the tune of about 30 miles. Before everyone says, ooooooooh it’s not that far, keep in mind that my bike is the one with the trailer and the three year old.
I got home and promptly felt the earth tilting precariously to the right and my skin felt hot but I was freezing ass cold. And I was a wee bit barfy. I have determined that now I am allergic to the sun, sweating, exercise and NE Portland. But not pizza, which we may or may not have had for lunch.
But I am also addicted to riding my bike. And I want to do it again today, but I’m not going to because my hips feel like I’ve just given birth.
I’m also addicted to riding my bike because I get to pick up my size 8 jeans today from Nordstrom and I would have never fit into these jeans if it weren’t for riding my bike. And this brings me to a point that was brought up last week by KK, which was why is that women’s jeans are not too long on her. Kiala and I are the same height. What’s more, Frayn is also my height and she too doesn’t need jeans hemmed. I, however, will put on women’s jeans and if I had a hole punch and laces, I wouldn’t need shoes.
I’m not short. I’m 5′7″. And my legs aren’t mutantly short, but there you are. I need my jeans hemmed.
Then, yesterday, mediaChick brought up a good point regarding my boots: “Those darling boots have a 19″ shaft. Is it even physically possible to accommodate that?? Why are you looking at me like that?” First off, my advice for accommodating a long shaft: just breathe deeply, slowly and relax. Secondly, WHAT IF MY FREAKISHLY SHORT LEGS PREVENT ME FROM WEARING THESE BOOTS?
Seriously, internets. What if I can’t even wear them?
There’s only one way to find out: I need to buy them. But first I need a spare $402. And that’s where you come in, internets. This can work one of two ways. Either you, my fan club, can all visualize my receiving a check for $402 and promptly ordering those boots OR some rich person reading this blog (hello, Sister Sarah Palin?) can just order them for me and have them shipped to my house.
In either case, once I get them, I will film myself trying to put them on because I don’t think they have a zipper and that would be funny and then I’ll prance around in them and you all can either laugh hysterically because I look like one of the midgets from Under the Rainbow, or you can all lick your computer screen in envy and I’ll charge each of you a shiny nickel to admire them up close.
It’s up to you, Internets. It is up to you.
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20 Responses to “I’m Allergic to More Stuff!”
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September 12th, 2008 @ 8:29 am
30 miles? 30 miles? I’m lucky if I can get my bike down the driveway without crashing into a parked car. Those boots…perhaps you could put a Paypal donation thing on your blog for a boot fund?
September 12th, 2008 @ 8:52 am
The boots will fit fine, they’ll just go up a litle farther over your knee and what’s wrong with that?
Also, I’m 5′8″ so this explains the pants thing. That one inch makes a difference. Am I right, men? HUH?
Get it?
Is this thing on?
September 12th, 2008 @ 9:04 am
I have a 19″ shaft.
Sorry. Had to.
September 12th, 2008 @ 9:12 am
I’m 5′3″ and if I wore those boots they’d hit my crotch. And that would be weird. Or hot. Or hotly weird. But they are hot and I love that you’re putting it out there to the universe to making it happen. I look forward to seeing you this winter and admiring your boots. I ordered red suede boots last night and I’m now planning my entire winter wardrobe around them. I also need a cape. Mmmm. Witchy!
September 12th, 2008 @ 9:40 am
You mentioned me! Whoo-hoo! (The check is in the mail.)
September 12th, 2008 @ 9:52 am
jeans are just a curious creatures. for example, i am 5′10″ and have recently learned that my extra inches are purely torso. yes, because if i buy long jeans, they are much much too long. regular is just fine (though possibly just a smidge too short but i’m too lazy to get things hemmed so i just deal with it). but almost all shirts turn into midriff shirts on me. it’s terrible because the last thing i want to show people is my midriff.
those? are really cute boots.
i hope you stop being allergic to life soon. have you considered living in a giant bubble?
September 12th, 2008 @ 10:05 am
I got two pairs of high boots last winter. Neither have zippers and each time I try to pull them on over my jeans, they bunch my jeans up to my knees. Perhaps there should be some sort of attachable, clip-on-able stirrups to keep the pants down around the ankles while boots are pulled on. Hey!
September 12th, 2008 @ 10:29 am
Isabelle, I recently discovered that the way to keep your jeans from riding up is to put your socks over your jeans. Silly looking, but you won’t see it with a boot on.
Though since I’m 5′1″ and not a size 2, I will probably not be able to get away with this myself any time soon.
September 12th, 2008 @ 10:32 am
Mimi just took the words right out of my mouth Isabelle. It works like a charm. They also have to be knee socks, obvs.
September 12th, 2008 @ 11:10 am
That’s true, but does it get bunchy under the sock? I don’t want it to feel like I have a ca-ca in my boot.
Here’s a weird thing I remember from when I was 4: the kids on the playground would stuff rocks (I hope they were rocks) in their socks and proudly call them ca-cas.
September 12th, 2008 @ 11:28 am
Wait…an attractive young woman on the internet is trying to find a quick way to earn $402??
Never before have I felt so conflicted.
September 12th, 2008 @ 11:32 am
I am 5′8″ and my jeans are usually too long. Size charts will tell me that I should really get the tall jeans — but they are WAY too long. The average jeans are only a little too long (and I’m not petite). It makes absolutely no sense.
FYI, it is 10 miles from St. Johns to 39th and Hawthorne. Just sayin’. I do feel your pain. I have been hauling a 3-year old in a child seat on the back of my bike, and we don’t go even 10 miles yet, let alone 30!
September 12th, 2008 @ 12:50 pm
I think all the jeans I buy are made for wearing heels in. I have exactly the same problem with height and jean length.
September 12th, 2008 @ 1:25 pm
All this talk about shafts and zippers and boots already has me licking my screen. If you weren’t allergic to the sun, sweating, and exercise, I might have been able to think of a way for you to get $402 out of me.
September 12th, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
Boots. 400 dollars? WHAT?
September 12th, 2008 @ 2:03 pm
Kiala’s right (as always) they might just go over the knee a little bit – in a very sexy way I’m sure.
September 12th, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
as someone who has ridden to California, I can say its not *that* far
. Do those boots come with SPD pedal connectors on the soles? Then you could be stylish and ride fast, at the same time. I roll my pants up (i’m not crazy about jeans) so they dont get chain-grease on them, then leave them that way because its easier than rolling them up and down for every trip.
The rains are coming. I hope you have a waterproof coat and fenders on the bike so you’ll keep on riding through the fall.
September 12th, 2008 @ 11:49 pm
I will visualize that $400 for you because its a worthy cause. Can you visualize a few hundred for me? I need to pay the rent….
September 13th, 2008 @ 2:42 am
You didn’t ask for my opinion, but here it is anyway, you’d look sill in those boots.
Saved you $403 bucks right there.
September 13th, 2008 @ 10:19 am
I need 2.70 to pay my overdue library books.
Universe?