Calgon? Hello?
Posted on | September 22, 2008 | 16 Comments
I have two book reviews to write today and my day began with Arch’s nose running like a sieve. What he decided to do was stick one finger up there and then touch something. Like this: finger up the nose, touch my arm: “Here you go, Mama’s arm.” Finger up the nose, touch the table, “Here you go table.” Finger up the nose, touch the couch, “Here you go, couch.” Finger up the nose, touch my computer, “Here you go, Mama’s bwoooooog.” That’s how he says it too, “Mama, I want to write on your bwoooooooooooog.” I wonder if it’s a little sarcastic like, “Gee, Mama, didn’t you used to write novels for a big publisher and now you’re spending your writing time on this little bwoooooooooooooooooog?”
Uh, yeah. But PEOPLE LOVE THIS BWOOOOOOOOOOOOG. And you can’t comment on novels for everyone to read.
I was going to write about how totally unsexy I’ve been feeling lately. So very, very unsexy. And how I’m in that state where the act of sex makes me cry afterward. I’ve always cried after sex, I have no idea why. But these days it’s been like sad boo-hooing. And I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel empty afterwards. I feel empty most of the time lately. I’m having a hard time engaging with life and people.
[Here's the moment where I remember how many hits I get a day and try and justify writing something so personal on the internet for the world to see and the only thing I can think is that one of my main goals with this blog has been an open discussion about sex and maybe this will help?]
I think a few things are driving this feeling. One is boredom. I’m so bored with Portland right now. I hate to say it, but I am. I need to get out of this town even for a day. Just to refresh my eyes. I’m fucking bored as hell with house work, and cleaning and cooking and my daily mom-routine. And it’s leading to resentment big time. And resentment leads to self-pity because WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SO MESSED UP IN THIS COUNTRY THAT MOTHERS ARE NOT HELPED AT ALL?
Steve and I haven’t been out alone in months. Literally months. And I have no idea what we’d do if the opportunity came around. I miss my brother-in-law desperately. He lived with us for a short time when we first moved here and it was just really great having family near. Now we have no family near and it’s just so hard. So damn hard. I try to justify this by thinking about my newfound family here in Portland made up of all of my wonderful friends. And god, I have good friends. Really amazing friends. But I miss family. Well, I miss my brother-in-law, who’s great and makes me laugh and takes my shit like a trooper.
There’s hope, though. I looked after our neighbor’s new baby a few days ago so they could have some time and they’re going to repay the favor. I think we just need to agree to an every two week thing where we do the kid swap and each of us has a night off.
But right now, my brain feels like two things. It feels a little like a relationship death spiral. And a little like the post-partum depression I experienced. I can hear people talking to me, but I have no ability to care what they’re saying. Both of these feelings are scaring the jeebers out of me.
And, for fuck’s sake, someone please, please please, come and clean my house.
I’m sorry today’s post is a downer.
I’m just not up to anything funny today. Also, the fantabulous CamiKaos wrote a far better thing today about Moms and sexy. Go read it. Much more well written and coherent.
Here’s all I feel like doing:
That’s a crappy picture of my Feather and Fan comfort shawl. It’ll look like this as it grows. I’m using seven skeins of Noro Kureyon and it’ll be 5′ in diameter when it’s done. I’ve already used 1 1/2 skeins. I used them while being up late, late, late last night watching hulu and You Tube. I saw the new 90210 and all it did was make me miss California like nothing else. Oh, the palm trees! Have I mentioned that I haven’t slept a full night in months too? No sleep, no time with Steve, a constantly messy house that I’m constantly cleaning. These things make me want to sit on the couch and knit and cry and not speak to anyone. Ever. Again.
As my bloggy friend Heather says, “sorry to be so heavy.”
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16 Responses to “Calgon? Hello?”
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September 22nd, 2008 @ 11:33 am
when they’re done cleaning your house… can I have them. I used up all my energy being a pirate on Sunday and wearing high heels around the house to make my calves look hot.
thank you. feel better. bye bye.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 11:36 am
I hear you. Trading babysitting will be a good thing, even if it doesn’t solve everything. Hang in there.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 11:47 am
omg, you are exactly like me! oh, i know, millions of other people are saying, “us, too. us, too!” but they’re not also geminis and only children! did you play xylophone in marching band? uncanny. btw, when i said all of this same stuff in marriage counseling when i was sad, our really tall doctor said, “so don’t clean the house.” which worked for three hours, until the cat threw up, then it smelled.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 12:27 pm
Sometimes, after I’ve walked the dog, done the breakfast dishes, made the bed, vacuumed the floors, worked out, walked the dog again, eaten lunch, cleaned up the lunch dishes and scrubbed the bathtub – it’s all I can do not to punch Dane in the face when he gets home and asks me why I haven’t written a novel yet.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 12:38 pm
Its like you’re reading my diary. My dishes smell like rotten vegetables and the dishwasher is broken and no one seems to care except for me (and maybe the cats). I folded up all of Jacob’s laundry and set it neatly in front of his dresser. He then set it on our bed…our bed!!! And when I wanted to go to sleep I set his shit on the floor and he got all upset because his things were on the floor and they were wrinkled. And I spend all day trying to avoid my boss’s eyes because I’m pretty sure she is medusa and I will turn to stone. I’ll watch your kid if you do my dishes? Deal?
September 22nd, 2008 @ 12:40 pm
Sometimes, you just have to see your own city through someone else’s eyes.
I went to visit my sister in Portland in March, 28 years after I first went there after moving from Argentina.
http://arjewtino.com/2008/i-waited-28-years-to-go-back-to-portland/
September 22nd, 2008 @ 12:49 pm
Yes, my house is a frickin’ wreck too. It can get quite depressing. I am away from the house 12 hours a day, 5 days a week at work and the 3 hours a day I spend at home, while I am not sleeping, does not seem to be enough time to have quality time with my son, quality time with my husband, time to clean the darn house, clean up after the two dogs, and then there is that “me” time I am supposed to squeeze in there somewhere. Perhaps it will help to hear that to a certain extent we are in a similar boat. It can be draining to always have someone or something that needs something from you and you can never seem to give enough. And if you ever want to “get away” to Washington, let me know. Just give me a weeks notice so I can clear out a room for you and the fam.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
For your two reviews that you have due, I suggest you stick your finger up your nose and then say, “Here you go, books.”
Moms get no respect and no help in this country. Violence may be the only answer.
As a personal alternative to violence (though it doesn’t address the bigger national issue), what are the chances that you can take a vacay anytime soon? Or hire a housekeeper and a nanny for a little while? Also, what does your drug budget look like lately?
September 22nd, 2008 @ 4:39 pm
Thank god. I’m not the only guy that boo-hooing thing has happened to.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
I wish I could half as productive as you in the amount of time I lived in Portland. You are a fantastic, smart, WOMAN, Mother and wifey. I’m sure you’ll be feeling back to your old self in no-time. You probably are over worked a bit. Of course if that’s not the case and you do NEED a trip away; you know where to find me!!
virtual hugging happens NOW!
September 22nd, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
i also say “steve, rub my feet and give me five compliments.”
to a different steve, of course.
i understand what you’re going through. when i was really sick this summer and holed up in the house, i was so understimulated i didn’t know how to turn myself back “on” a lot of the time. i had lots of petty, mean feelings. i wanted to bite people.
the only thing that helped was hitting my crabby bottom and realizing that i’ve chosen to be where i am. it’s not an awful burden that i’m in my relationship, living here, etc. it’s not going well right now, but it’s totally something i wanted. and something i learned to want again. is this trite? i feel ya.
September 22nd, 2008 @ 8:33 pm
I’ve always cried after sex, I have no idea why.
Most women cry before sex with me … the thought being both terrifying and revolting.
September 23rd, 2008 @ 8:39 am
Call me–I have really good news about your housecleaning dilemma.
September 23rd, 2008 @ 9:52 am
Moms, teachers and social workers all need more pay and respect than they will ever get.
September 23rd, 2008 @ 12:41 pm
I offer my services.
Any kind, really.
But I am a Red Cross Certified Babysitter.
Try not to explode with joy.
Let me know. I’ll do it.
September 23rd, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
I fucking hear you. It took me forever to get a chance just to read this. It’s like CAN I JUST GET FIVE MINUTES TO MY SELF PUHLEAZZE?
All I want to do is eat and eat and eat and sleep and sleep and then do all of it again.
All by myself.
No laundry.
No potty.
No anything.
And so I’ve been gaining weight like crazy and my fall clothes are tight and uncomfortable.
Boo. Hoo.