Oh, It Is On
Posted on | August 29, 2008 | 15 Comments
On our walk last night, Steve said, “You seem distracted.” And I said, “Well, I’m THINKING ABOUT PIE, NOW BACK OFF.”
I had pie dreams last night. Dreams about fruit splatter and burnt crusts. The Pie Off is on my mind, people.
I know mediaChick is making pie after pie.
Betsy Richter just bought vodka for her pie, which seems like a pretty good plan to me. And she’s putting her daughter in a Lelo apron.
I have a Lelo apron that I could wear too. Lelo is also a competitor and maybe she’d be intimidated if she saw me roll in wearing her Mapron with a wrestler on it and know that she sewed it FOR ME. Except it wasn’t for me exactly, but I OWN IT NOW. You hear me, Lelo — I OWN YOUR APRON, GIRL.
Lelo is preparing by being quoted on various food blogs.
The Oregon State Fair pie winner is praying to the pie deities and burning sage and sacrificing pecans or something. Whatever one does to win eight blue ribbons at the State Fair in a state where every single resident is required to make perfect pies.
RSG is, I don’t know, having lezzie sex, which would make any pie taste better.
As for me, here’s what I’m doing to prepare:
That’s right, I’ve forsaken my normal Starbucks mug to drink my tea from my Zuma Beach General Store mug. Given to me by my coach. THAT’S RIGHT, PIE LADIES, I HAVE THE LA TIMES ON MY SIDE.
I am also reflecting on my past baking disasters like the time I made zucchini bread and used salt instead of sugar. And the time I too made cookies with baking soda when it called for baking powder. And that one time I made wheat bread and the dough broke my Kitchen Aid stand mixer – a single tear falls down my cheek.
I’ve also spent some time meditating on the fact that I have no idea what makes a good pie. I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten a pie and had the sense to know what was good about it. I mean, a tough crust? Flaky dough? What? It’s pie. You’re eating it. Be happy, people. But I suppose the judges will know what’s what. And the other contenders who did not grow up near Bob’s Big Boy will know what makes a good pie.
But, I got an email from my coach last night and you know what it said? It said, “NO!” That’s all it said, “NO!” Are you shaking in your shoes, pie competitors? Well, you should be, people. YOU. SHOULD. BE.
And one other thing — I have entered a pie competition before. Oh yes, I have. I entered a little thing called the Malibu Pie Festival. And you know what, Pie People — I ENTERED A GALETTE. Now you know what you’re dealing with. Oh yeah.
Tags: #mmmpie
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15 Responses to “Oh, It Is On”
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August 29th, 2008 @ 9:55 am
Great, now I am hungry.
August 29th, 2008 @ 10:00 am
The thing I really love about all of this is the smack talking. The reality? I’m terrified I’m just going to get my ass handed to me in this Pie-Off. Wait, I let down my guard, didn’t I?
Bring it on! Oh, it’s ON! IT’S ON! I’m entering three pies. And one will be in the Faux Pie category.
Hey now. That’s Faux Pie. Not Fur Pie.
August 29th, 2008 @ 10:06 am
Bold: Come to Portland on Saturday!
Lelo: Sure it’s not fur pie. Sure.
Isn’t the smack talking fun? I own your apron!
Letting your guard down might be part of your intimation strategy. Oh yes, maybe it is…
August 29th, 2008 @ 10:12 am
I like strawberry pie.
With the strawberries.
In it.
In the pie.
August 29th, 2008 @ 10:46 am
I’ll be there too with my Lucha Libre MAPRON from Lelo Originals.
August 29th, 2008 @ 10:48 am
I like chocolate cream MIXED with banana cream pie. I don’t want to give away my secret — but I mix them BEFORE i put them in the crust. Just a thought.
SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!
August 29th, 2008 @ 11:59 am
I love pie, its my favorite thing in the world. Its because I’m southern. We all eat pie. I need to taste butter when I eat pie. Butter in the flaky moist but light crust. I can’t bake so I won’t give you any advice except butter. I can cook like a demon though. Last night I made Coq au’ vin for house guests. It was fantastic.
Party on
August 29th, 2008 @ 12:39 pm
That is the coolest apron I’ve ever seen. I’m jealous.
August 29th, 2008 @ 1:44 pm
I am just missing everything awesome this weekend. A freaking PIE contest?? I could be eating pie all day. But instead I’m going to get a sunburn under the oppressive Las Vegas sun, because I don’t tan anymore. My skin has become Northwestern too. Good luck Melissa! You’re going to school those Oregon State Fair winners.
August 29th, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
Whoo-boy I am SOOOO SCREWED.
August 29th, 2008 @ 6:33 pm
How about rhubarb? Add just enough sugar to take the rhubarb down to a tartness much like your own.
By the way, I have shitloads of organic rhubarb growing in my backyard. Want some?
August 30th, 2008 @ 12:36 am
A GALETTE YOU SAY…I was wondering if anyone would bring one…I hope one of your entries is a galette.
I’ll be there with my three pies, I’ll be the guy in the corner hoping that my entries don’t gag any of the judges.
It will be fun meeting you and everyone else there!
Viva la PIE!
August 30th, 2008 @ 8:43 am
i totally made cookies with baking powder when it called for baking soda. …what cookies were *you* making?
August 30th, 2008 @ 6:53 pm
OK, now I’m waiting to find out what happend..
August 31st, 2008 @ 4:27 am
I would love to put my pie up against your pie.
Wait…