Smooochy Wooochy
Posted on | June 28, 2008 | 10 Comments
Sometimes I just want to squeeze Portland’s little cheeks and say “scoochy woochy you are sooooo cutie wootie.” It happened a lot when people would tell me St. John’s was a bad neighborhood. (I think it’s bad because there are *blacks* here and maybe a few *hispanics*.) Sure, we had a shooting at the bus stop six months ago (no one is dead or anything) and yes there are homeless guys who roll their carts through the middle of the streets on recycling day collecting cans, but you have to understand Portland, there are worse places. FAR. WORSE.
Let me tell you about far worse. Far worse is living in San Francisco in the Western Addition across the street from the projects, which is where I lived for a few years. In the afternoons, I’d walk out of my beautiful Victorian flat and find the homies all gathered around my car, their 40’s resting on my Volvo’s hood chatting about lord knows what and I would have to ask them to please go away and I had to go to class, and they’d all move because they were human beings and not fucking monsters. And my car was never broken into, our house was never looted. My roommate and I regularly walked home at night from the various bars in the Lower Haight and the Castro and we never, ever had a problem.
Oh, and also the cops would regularly swing by our place, warning us about the drug deals taking place in front of our house.
I also lived in Oakland for probably four years. By the end, every single person I knew who lived in Oakland had been held up, mugged, their car had been broken into or their house. Except me. No, my car got broken into once in San Francisco in the Richmond district (on a street filled with Russian grandmas) and once in Ocean Beach in San Diego (all white, all the time).
I also think it’s cute when Portlanders tell me about their air conditioning. When I ask why one would need air conditioning in Portland, every single person has said, “IT GETS REALLY HOT HERE.” I’m not saying it doesn’t. We’re facing a really hot weekend, for sure. All I’m saying is that for 99% of the year, it’s -22 degrees. With a wind chill of -11,000. So what? So you spend a hot day and you lie on your couch and complain about the heat and you sweat and everyone smells bad and looks oily and whatever. THAT’S HOW IT IS IN THE REST OF THE WORLD ALL THE TIME. Make some lemonade and sit out in the sun and get a burn. And then complain about how hot it is some more. It actually feels better to share with another person, “Holy fuck, it’s hot out.” And the person says, “yes.” And you talk about frying eggs on sidewalks or whatever. You turn on the sprinkler. You do not hide in your house with the air conditioning on. Get out and enjoy that heat. Plus air conditioning is REALLY, REALLY BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
My plan for the hot day is to do some wash because I hang my clothes on the line to dry and when it’s hot, it takes about as long to dry them on the line (free) as it does in the dryer (not free). Arch and I will go on a bike ride so I look extra skinny for my date with Kiala tonight. Ken, I’m thinking of wearing pale pink panties with white stockings, because Kiala seems more the black panties and garters type. You know, for our pillow fight. Does that work? The contrast? Is that what guys like? Also, we will wear our shoes through the whole thing.
Kiala is bringing her Superfan Erica. I need a Superfan too. I mean, besides THE WORLD.
And, at some point, I’m being interviewed for the Mercury (because I am famous, thank you Nels) and I need to answer those questions. It’s about my sexxxy reading. THE THING I AM READING IS FICTIONAL, OKAY PEOPLE???
Okay, so Portland, try today without the air conditioning. Remember, dry your clothes on the line — the sun is the greatest source of energy so take advantage. And we will be at Chopsticks tonight for Karaoke if any of my Superfans want to show up.
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10 Responses to “Smooochy Wooochy”
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June 28th, 2008 @ 9:20 am
I’m pretty sure after tonight, Erica will be your Superfan too.
June 28th, 2008 @ 11:13 am
I kinda like the “heat” here. After Florida and Arizona, this is nothing. But I guess for people who have always lived here this seems hot. Oh well. It’s so temporary. A/C in Portland?!? As Archie would say, “No waaay!”
June 28th, 2008 @ 12:01 pm
You have to admit air conditioning is awesome when your drying your hair.
Still, I’m sitting here in a sweater under a blanket because Dane won’t let me just OPEN THE FUCKING DOORS.
Meh.
June 28th, 2008 @ 1:36 pm
Yoooouuuu wrote a very good blog today! As a native Oklahoman/South-and-North Carolinian, I am very happy in Oregon. But…I HATE today’s heat! Hate, hate, hate!!!
June 28th, 2008 @ 6:13 pm
So I just got home today from a trip through the DESERT. Yeah I’m hot but I’m more road weary. so happy to be laying on my couch right now.
June 28th, 2008 @ 10:58 pm
Ice packs on the tummy, baby!
June 29th, 2008 @ 12:59 am
I’m going to go out on a limb and say… there are no bad parts of Portland. If there are, they are just pretending to be bad because they are trying to live up to the reputation that the Willamette Week gives them.
When I lived in NE for a brief period (200 dollar room) there were a few “incidents” that might have warranted the area a “bad label.” But really, it was mostly some drunk hippy trying to find the place he’s been squatting in for the last 6 months, but he go turned around and missed it by a block.
I’m drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk.
June 29th, 2008 @ 3:53 pm
I am so with you. I hate the air conditioning. We freeze our asses off 90% of the year and then when it’s finally warm out people run inside, crank the a/c, and put on fucking sweaters.
Makes no sense.
July 1st, 2008 @ 7:27 am
“Ken, I’m thinking of wearing pale pink panties with white stockings, because Kiala seems more the black panties and garters type. You know, for our pillow fight. Does that work? The contrast? Is that what guys like? Also, we will wear our shoes through the whole thing.”
i don’t know how i missed this earlier. mea culpa.
yes ma’am, that works. indeed the contrast is good, so the lighter your skin, the darker the accessories, and vice versa. you want to lead the eye to the good bits, but don’t be too revealing. everybody likes a tease.
July 1st, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Catching up on blogs and gotta pipe up and say that I recently hauled myself up to St. John’s and holy shit PROPER EATS now has my heart and soul and my firstborn. Well, my firstborn if I was a breeder, that is. My heart and soul shall suffice.