Me and Everyone Else

Posted on | June 14, 2008 | 9 Comments

I got a call yesterday. It was from a focus group company. I had called them earlier in the day because they were looking for women in their 30’s who drink tea each morning with breakfast. Totally. Me. So I called. Plus I wanted the $100 for two hours and because Back Fence PDX is interested in things like this and I thought I could do a little research. So the woman calls. And she needs to screen me first.

Here’s how it went down:

Focus Group Woman: I need to ask you a few questions about your tea drinking and breakfast habits.

Me: Okay.

FGW: Do you have children living at home with you who are under 18?

Me: Yes, I eat them for breakfast.

FGW: I’m going to give you a list of grocery stores and you tell me if you shop at them.

Me: Okay.

FGW: Whole Foods

Me: Do I look rich? And republican?

FGW: Wild Oats

Me: The name of that place makes me think they don’t wash their floors.

FGW: New Seasons

Me: Yes, when I feel like a baller.

FGW: Trader Joes

Me: When I know I’m not a baller.

FGW: Fred Meyer

Me: When the mighty have fallen.

FGW: Do you shop in the natural and organic foods departments?

Me: Well, I’ve taught several classes on food politics and I know that natural or organic doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better for the environment or for me. For example, organic strawberries in winter that are shipped from Venezuela are probably not winning any environmental awards, so I just try to shop wisely, locally and within my budget. In other words: yes.

FGW: I’m going to give you a list of teas and you tell me if you’ve bought them in the last month.

Me: Okay.

FGW: Bigelow.

Me: Do you know who you’re speaking to?

FGW: Numi.

Me: Gah.

FGW: Tazo.

Me: I’d rather swallow toilet water.

FGW: Republic of Tea

Me: I can see that you’re never going to get to Ahmad Assam Golden Tippy Long Leaf and you won’t understand if I have to explain it to you that I had to go to San Diego to find this particular tea and what the fuck Portland, are you too good for a decent Middle Eastern market? So, I’ll say yes to this one.

FGW: Medicinal tea.

Me: Ah hell no.

FGW: What other liquids have you had to drink in the last month?

Me: Beer. And Margaritas. And a single skunky Stella — seriously, why do people like that shit beer?

FGW: Coffee?

Me: I’m a delicate flower and I can’t consume coffee because it spirals me into a deep, dark depression.

FGW: Juice

Me: Yes.

FGW: Now I need to ask about your breakfast habits.

Me: Shoot.

FGW: Have you eaten the following foods over the past month,

Cold or hot cereal?

Me: Yes.

FGW: Bagels, muffins or toast.

Me: Yes. Except bagels. I just don’t love them, what can I say?

FGW: Yogurt?

Me: Hello, it’s how I lost weight for LA. Except I didn’t lose any weight at all so FUCK YOGURT.

FGW: Granola

Me: You know, granola is actually very fattening. But I have snacked on it here and there.

FGW: Okay I need to stop the screening here because we’re looking for a diverse group of people and your answers are just like everyone else’s.

And then she said (I’m not kidding) “you Portlanders are all alike.”

And then I took my phone away from my ear and stared at it. Because, right?!? What the fuck? She asked me if I ate the most common breakfast foods and if I drank the most available teas on the market and I said yes to both and suddenly I’m just another honkey on a fixey? Well, shit and goddamn.

I put the phone up to my ear waiting for the joke or whatever and she asked if she could call me again about some other things like my voting habits. Right, because I’m sure my vote will be waaaaaaaaaaaaaay different than my fellow white, liberal, 33 year old, female Portland residents. Except I’m voting to ban all two-wheeled transportation and force everyone into SUVs, to make gay people wear some form of rainbow paraphernalia every single day (a scarlet letter of sorts), that blacks should not only have their own schools, but their own drinking fountains too and, finally, instead of composting, every Portland resident should have their own tiny toxic waste dump in their yards that they turn and nurture and add to. I’m progressive.

I hung up and wondered a little at the fact that I am just like every other Portland woman who drinks tea in the mornings and then I decided that what should happen is we should start a gang. The Portland Tea Drinkers. And what we’d do is kick the shit out of all the coffee places around town and torch all bagged tea and Nazi goose step down the streets in our brown uniforms and talk about a superior cup and a superior race and we’d take over the world.

So that’s my new project. Everyone is welcome!

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BACK FENCE PDX MAY 19TH

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