A Letter to Portland
Posted on | May 25, 2008 | 14 Comments
Hey, everyone thank you for your offers, I will be sending emails about the four person tent and heading to Proper Eats to beg the owner to let us borrow their sound system, thanks to my friend Thoughtscapade. She has a chicken named Brewski.
I got a haircut yesterday. That’s step one in my path to self-improvement before LA, for which I leave on Thursday. I wanted to look both studious and retro and saucy because I am going to a book convention and everyone knows girls who write books are HOT.
Step two on my path is having hot wax ripped off my skin. I need to get my eyebrows did, but I woke this morning to a bump under my eyebrow and I have no idea what it is. I can only dare to dream that it’s a sty. But, alas, I think it’s a zit and there because my eyebrows are protesting my paying a Latvian woman to slather wax on them, press a wee bit of cotton to them and then yank!
I really love Portland. A lot. I think it’s a great city. I don’t know much about Oregon as a state, because I went to public school in California where we didn’t learn much about geography, or reading (no, I still haven’t read the Scarlet Letter, or 1984 or [insert the name of most any classic book]) but I guess it’s a pretty good state. But sometimes I need to check in a bit with Portland. I need to express a concern I’m having about the city itself.
Today’s concern has to do with Portlanders feeling like their dogs are not dogs, but rather honored citizens, as our bus system calls senior citizens. I’m not a dog person. I don’t hate dogs, I just don’t see dogs and want to pet them or interact with them or ask their names or feed them treats or anything. It’s a lot like how I feel about children. And humans in general. But I don’t care that other people like their pets. And they are pets. They are animals. But here in Portland, dogs owners have an inflated sense of their creatures. And it bothers me. Because these people assume I feel the same way, which I don’t.
I really don’t feel this way when I am running on public sidewalks and dogs jump on me. This happened twice yesterday with two different dogs. The owners were in their yards with their dogs off leash and both dogs ran to me and jumped on me. One was some sort of lab and the other was a Rottweiler. My good friend has dogs that have jumped on me in the past and will do it again when I arrive at her house on Friday and she taught me to bellow, “Off!” And the dogs then sit and wait for me to pet them, which I do. They do not jump on me again. Yesterday, I said Off! in my best alpha dog voice and neither dog sat, instead, both jumped on me again. Now, you’d think the owners would, at that point, apologize because they have stupid fucking animals, but no, they both just gave that smirk like, oh well, dogs will be dogs and you understand because you’re in Portland.
No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all. These are big dogs who I don’t know. Who the hell knows what they’ll do to me. These people certainly don’t know. What I would understand is an apology and you grabbing your fucking dog’s collar and saying no, or stop, or you little shit I’m going to sell you to the glue factory because that’s what I’m going to say next time a strange dog jumps on me while I’m running.
Yesterday I had to mow the lawn just to work out some aggression. You can see it didn’t work so well. Sorry about the angry post today.
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14 Responses to “A Letter to Portland”
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May 25th, 2008 @ 9:45 am
We have two beagles that can’t be trusted in any way shape or form in public without a leash. They have great noses and love attention.
Have you thought about talking to the owners? I think if you express your concerns nicely, they surely would understand. When that doesn’t work, fake an injury and settle out of court.
May 25th, 2008 @ 10:29 am
I am a dog person. I love dogs. All dogs. BUT I hate when people don’t control their dogs and allow their dogs to act like savages. It makes those of us who recognize that not everyone loves our dogs as much as we do seem like the parents who think everyone loves their kids as much as they do.
May 25th, 2008 @ 10:57 am
I’ll echo the previous two comments. I love dogs, but when they are not trained properly it drives me nuts. Having pets of any sort are a responsibility. Owners need to train them to be around others, or at least have the sense to corral them if they don’t have the ability to control themselves.
May 25th, 2008 @ 11:13 am
The dogs were being dogs. The owners were assholes. I have a big Lab dog and I would be mortified if he jumped on someone. I too let him off leash in my front yard, but I am constantly monitoring him to make sure he is behaving.
Not training in a basic way or monitoring your animals is like letting toddlers get into the Ecstasy. Ya just don’t do it.
Waiting to hear about the need for the tent..
May 25th, 2008 @ 12:15 pm
Also, a knee to the breastbone on a dog will strongly encourage them to not jump on you.
May 25th, 2008 @ 9:56 pm
I’m sorry. It’s very late here and I’m kinda drunk and I hope no more dogs jump on you.
BUT
Sometimes, people really try very hard to train their dogs and still the dog acts like an animal. Which it is. So.
Man, drunk commenting is never as genius as one thinks it is.
Melissa yuo are great.
Goodnight.
May 25th, 2008 @ 11:35 pm
I came by way of Heidi, and I gotta say…Dude…you’re way too funny! I dont have a problem with dogs jumping on me (but I do have a problem with them, humping me…) but I guess I can see your point of how it would be an annoyance. So, on behalf of us dog owners, I’m sorry.
May 26th, 2008 @ 10:16 am
I want to be clear that I don’t hate dogs at all. I just hate that these owners didn’t offer an apology or even reign their dogs in despite my shouting off and clearly not wanting to be jumped on.
Some of my best friends have dogs.
But I do hate that dogs are allowed in restaurants here in Portland. Ick.
May 26th, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
My dog would not jump on you.
Promise.
May 26th, 2008 @ 6:10 pm
My dogs will bark at you. Because they are a bit psycho like their mother(s).
May 26th, 2008 @ 7:26 pm
I hate dog poop! As a dog owner myself, I can say FUCK YOU to all the dog owners who do not pick up their dog poop IN THE PARK wjere my 2 year old runs around. I wrote a letter to PPR and this is a quote from the response I got from Michael Brady, ” As for the Feces problem, I would suggest contacting your neighboorhood association to set up a volunteer activity to clean up the park. Steve Pixley is the Park Services’ volunteer coordinator his number is 503-823-1933. He may be able to help you set up a volunteer outing. ” So if anyone would like to organize that…
Maybe we could organize an outing to keep the dogs running around off of you. I’m not sure how that would work, but Steve Pixley is sure to have ideas!
May 27th, 2008 @ 6:41 am
Our dog trainer taught me to yell OFF at Alice and then knee her in the chest.
It doesn’t work.
When my husband does it she about apologizes to him for her rudeness and brushes the dirt off his pants left by her paws.
I don’t get it.
I guess I don’t speak woofian correctly.
May 27th, 2008 @ 7:18 am
Dare I say you’re not speaking bitch correctly? No, probably not. Must find coffee.
May 27th, 2008 @ 10:16 am
get some pepper spray and give the rampant dog a shot in the eye/nose. when the owner dives in, give them a shot too.
the effect is temporary but the memory will last a lifetime.
if/when the cops show up, tell them you were in fear for your life.