Where the Hell was I Yesterday?
Posted on | April 23, 2008 | 12 Comments
I have no idea. No, I do know. I was busy whoring myself out on the metaphorical street corner that is being a freelance writer. And I was working on a super-secret project that I’m totally stoked on. It will be revealed very soon.
It’s so funny about freelancing because the more I stand around and look like a slut, the more people want to give me money. I love that, because looking like a slut comes naturally to me. Neon blue lycra is my color — I’m a winter.
The internet does not love me right now. Someone in my household decided to reset the router and now we have no wifi. So I’m on Metrofi, which is Portland’s free city-wide internet. Just like dial-up, baby. I don’t want to say who the person is who reset the router, but I will say that it was not the person who hacked the computers so badly, I believe I can see slash marks in the covers. I’ll leave you to puzzle through that one. And I’ll add that there is no hacking happening in this house. No. Not ever. Why the hell would we hack our own computers?!?
I also shot a video about our lawn to show you how ghetto it is. And then I tried to upload it to Vimeo and it said it would take an hour and a half and I said, “Fuck that noise.” That was before I was slumming on Metrofi. Basically the lawn video went like this:
(And keep in mind, the only screenplay I’ve ever written, was actually formatted by Steve and a computer program that I don’t know how to use.)
EXT. MORNING. PANNING AN OVERGROWN, WEEDY (and not in a good way) LAWN RIDDLED WITH DANDELIONS AND UNEVEN GRASS UP TO THE FILM MAKER’S ANKLES.
Voice over: This is what happens when the Southern Californians move to town. Because when you grow up in Southern California, your rich parents hire Mexicans to do this sort of thing. But Steve and I (without our rich parents) don’t have enough money to buy a Mexican, and we don’t know shit about lawns or house maintenance, so this is what our lawn looks like. And the neighbors are embarrassed. [PANNING TO NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR'S PERFECTLY MANICURED LAWN] The male of the house next door spent his Sunday mowing the lawn. Apparently, this is what men do. He is also replacing the flooring and sanding down the walls, and he came over and rewired our thermostat. He’s pretty manly, but I like to believe he’s not in touch with his feelings. And he’d never, ever strip to Kelly Clarkson’s Miss Independent when I was feeling blue or hungover, which is something Steve always does for me. And most of the time, this is enough manliness to make me feel like a red-blooded straight woman in love with a MAN. However, the lawn is embarrassing me now and no amount of Kelly Clarkson can take away the fact that I feel like the neighbors are peeking out their drapes and tsk tsking me. Normally I know they’re tsk tsking me for hooking on the street corner and feeding my kid KRAFT macaroni and cheese, and I’m okay with that. But the lawn is another thing. The lawn is something I can control.
[END SCENE]
And now Steve is out in SE Portland somewhere buying a used lawnmower for $35. Yes, we have lived in this house for eight months and have not touched the lawn. Have I mentioned that Steve is half Mexican and from now on, until we have enough money to purchase a full Mexican, he’ll be tapping into that long-dormant, manual labor side of his heritage.
Tags: Home Improvement > My Ghetto Life > Southern Californians love Mexicans
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12 Responses to “Where the Hell was I Yesterday?”
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April 23rd, 2008 @ 10:27 am
My lawn goes like this:
dirt
crab grass
then dirt again
then lump dead crab grass
lush gorgeous green grass
then more dirt
Nice, huh?
April 23rd, 2008 @ 10:41 am
Let me know if you need help with your router. I worked too many years in IT to see you suffer.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 11:51 am
I’m more like your neighbor.
When I have a lawn it is going to be the Nicest Lawn Ever and it’ll make all the neighbors jealous. It will look like a golf course and I will spend time out there drinking a beer and looking over it and thinking to myself, “My lawn is the best.”
I’m competitive, okay???
April 23rd, 2008 @ 12:15 pm
When Steve is done with your lawn can he come over and bus our table? It’s kind of gross with all these dirty dishes and empty wine glasses.
Also, could he tell our waiter we’d like our check now?
Thanks.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
I hope you pair the neon blue lycra with thigh-high white patent leather boots because that is really the only respectable way to walk the streets. I speak from experience.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
I used to looooove the idea of having a lawn. Before we bought our house, I had these fantasies about being one of those suburban dads from the commercials, working on my immaculate yard while chatting over the fence with my wacky neighbors….
Then we bought our place.
The neighbors aren’t wacky, they’re tweakers.
And our backyard gets 38 hours of direct sunlight per day. They use less water on those Arizona golf courses than we’d need to keep the bloody thing alive.
And that assumes we didn’t have a 100 pound dog who decided that, what the fuck, why don’t I go ahead and see if I can’t dig a hole every three inches. Which, by the way, makes mowing the weeds a hoot. That, and the 8 tons of dog shit she manages to generate each week.
Oh, and our non-tweaker neighbors have a four-story tall cherry tree, most of which hangs over our front yard. Pretty in the spring, but not so wonderful after it drops 4.6 million cherries onto our lawn over the course of the spring/summer months.
Thank you all. That was therapeutic. Now I need a beer.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 2:05 pm
Justin, I’m with you.
When I moved into the ONLY house I’ve ever lived in, I was excited to be the MAN who takes care of the lawn in a house of girls. I would water it in the cool mornings, and I mowed in the first weekend I was there.
Then I realized they sold 40’s of PBR in Eugene, unlike downtown Portland!
The next time I mowed the lawn I did it drunk at 3 in the morning. I ran over some hose and a part of the mini pool we kept in the front. That was the end of that.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 3:15 pm
I live in an apartment because I’m a loser who can’t afford a place with a lawn. But that means I get to sleep in when all the “winners” are mowing. When I did have a lawn though, I mowed it in short shorts a, wifebeater and a cowboy hat. I don’t know why I didn’t get laid more. Although I’m glad I didn’t; I lived in felony flats. There’s nothing classier than telling people you got an STD in Felony Flats.
P.S. I read your book review. Freakin awesome. I have a recent experience I’m working on a blog post.
How’s Arch & the “no cast” situation?
April 23rd, 2008 @ 3:50 pm
My husband tried to cut our lawn with our push mower we have last weekend. Our lawn now looks like it has a reverse mohawk, because he had enough strength to do the middle and then pooped out — since it has been so long since we have had a dry weekend to mow that it is now up to our knees. Oy vey.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 5:08 pm
for the record, this is the first season i have to actually GROW a lawn where the woman who used to live here cultivated silica gel crystals.
so we shall see how it turns out by september, won’t we?
mr. crissy.
ps i own a lawnmower AND a rake AND a machete AND a weedwacker AND both a hatchet AND an AXE and some splitting wedges too. plus i keep them all sharp and in running order while shirtless and smoking a blunt.
April 23rd, 2008 @ 7:50 pm
Crissy: Sounds awesome, but where are your dandelions? Martha says they’re all the rage this year.
Brewcaster: Thank you. We got it goin’ on now.
Apollo: You’ll have to give us your secrets. We are across the country and we’ll put a sign up that credits you with the lawn improvement.
KK: You have such a way with that. Wait! Because you grew up in SoCal too! Yay us! Now lets make ourselves barf and give a blow job that will replace an actual loving relationship with a man. Okay, maybe that was just my adolescence.
Meg: Bragger.
Justin: That made me feel better too.
Robert: Are there 40’s of PBR anywhere in Portland?
Chantel: He’s up and moving and climbing. It’s become hard to be a parent again.
Bold: Steve got the thing working enough for two stripes. Our lawns match.
Ride: We have two machetes and a small Thai boy to use them. Beat that!
April 24th, 2008 @ 6:06 am
We have two machetes and a small Thai boy to use them
hahaha – you are fucking hilarious!
I’m picturing Short Round from Temple of Doom:
“No time for love Dr. Jones!”