Proof (Sort of)
Posted on | April 19, 2008 | 11 Comments
A few days ago I posted about how suck-tacular Portland drivers are. And I felt like there was a wee bit of blowback and disbelief about Portland drivers from my readers. From Nels (who I still worship because he thinks I’m famous) who thinks I need to chill out behind the wheel, to Qanzas (who I love because he’s gay and living in Kansas and that, in my book, deserves my love) who didn’t believe people would actually abide a law that says one needs to wait for the pedestrians to leave the crosswalk before hitting the gas.
Well, here’s proof that Portland drivers suck ass, except I realize it’s not proof at all, but rather a photo taken a minute after the situation would have made it proof.
Whatever. Here’s what happened. See that hippie in the Volvo station wagon? (Frankly, I’m surprised it wasn’t a Subaru station wagon because shitty Portland drivers love those cars.) The person in the Volvo decided to stop on a green light because there was someone on the corner waiting to walk in the crosswalk. Stopped on a green light to let someone pass.
It reminds me of graduate school when I co-taught a class on Post-modernism and we were reading some Gertrude Stein or Michael Palmer or Walter Benjamin (did you catch all that — I’m smart enough to halfway teach some kids to bullshit their way through a bunch of people who make no sense) and this guy who was a graduate student too (but not a co-teacher like I was, so he can go suck it) said, “There are no rules to this stuff, you just write what you want to write and that’s it.” And the other teacher, who actually knew about this stuff said, “You’re an idiot. There are rules to it and if there were no rules, then there’d just be chaos and what if there were no rules on the roads. We’d all run into each other and people would die.” And then I hit my head against the wall because I wanted to co-teach Creative Writing and not Post-modernism because Post-modernism is a load of shit. But I did have a huge crush on the other teacher because he was actually a journalist and he had a swing and a tree growing in his apartment and he let me open his mail, some of which was from Courtney Love. And then we got stoned and graded papers on Post-modernism, which just about sums up that semester.
Back to driving. There are rules on the road, and when hippies in station wagons (Volvo or Subaru) don’t follow them, I need to honk, and then Archer needs to shout, “FUCK” from the backseat, because he understands the gravity of someone stopping on a green light to let a pedestrian cross.
After my prolonged honking and my toddler’s cursing, the guy waved his hand to me and to the pedestrian. And the motion was like, “hey you stupid bitch, there’s a guy on the corner and he wants to cross, don’t you see him.”
And I honked more and my honking said, “Hey fuckhead, I’m going to vote for Bush and kick some poor people off welfare and personally drop a few bombs on oil rich countries, because you’re driving like a mother fucking douchebag.”
The pedestrian didn’t cross because he was a smart human being who realized that, like Post-modernism, Portland drivers need to take their pedestrians-are-the-most-important-people-on-the-road attitude, and shove up their rear ends.
And finally, the Volvo begrudgingly went.
And I drove behind him cursing the fact that I carry no baseball bat in my car and that violence is bad for kids to see and WAIT, I have my camera in my car and the only way I can properly violate this guy is take a picture of his car and post it on my blog. And because I’m pretty sure most of Portland reads my blog, if that is your car and you were on Broadway yesterday around noon, send me an email, because we’ve got some issues to work out and that involves my foot up your ass for driving like an idiot.
In other news: Archer got his cast off yesterday! YAY!
Tags: Portland drivers suck > post-modernism is a load of crap > SUVs are good
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11 Responses to “Proof (Sort of)”
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April 19th, 2008 @ 11:21 am
I don’t get it. I comprehend that pedestrians always have the right of way, it’s like that everywhere. But, if that dude had walked out into the crosswalk against the light and with the DONT WALK sign on, aren’t they jaywalking, and as such subject to a ticket of their own? Drivers coming to a complete stop at A GREEN LIGHT because someone is waiting to cross once the light CHANGES? So strange, and dangerous. I think the Volvo guy is not understanding the law. It’s not come to a stop when you see a pedestrian. It’s not to go until they’ve exited the crosswalk, when they’re walking through a crosswalk, when the WALK signal is activated and they’re not jaywalking. Right? RIGHT? I hope.
Oh, and I like it better when Archer says “Fuuuuck,” as opposed to just “Fuck.” Try and get him to draw it out every time. He’ll thank you when he’s older
April 19th, 2008 @ 3:35 pm
I’d be in jail by now if I lived there. I don’t know how you do it.
And give Archer a high-five for me.
Or don’t. Cause he’ll be like, “who’s chris?” and it might scare him.
April 20th, 2008 @ 9:52 am
I live in fear of one day killing a bicyclist.
Not with a car or anything, just because they deserve it.
April 20th, 2008 @ 10:10 am
Kiala, that is not nice nor logical.
April 20th, 2008 @ 3:49 pm
2 things:
#1. My husband drives a subaru WRX wagon and would cry real man tears if he heard that crappy drivers drive them.
#2. The only thing nuttier than Post-modernist literature, is Post-modern media theory. You can literally spend an entire semester contemplating the importance of taking the green pill or the red pill from the movie The Matrix. Crazy, crazy stuff that I do not understand.
April 20th, 2008 @ 6:22 pm
I live in Portland. I understand. You would’ve been a good parent to kick that guy’s ass with your child in attendance. My children have learned to call drivers like that “fuckwad!”. I love my kids.
April 21st, 2008 @ 7:14 am
Kiala is my hero.
April 21st, 2008 @ 7:37 am
Q: I don’t know what to say. I’m equally confused. And enraged.
A: He might not know who Chris is, but Apollo Creed were his first words.
KK: I rode my bike yesterday and behaved like an asshole and I understood both bicyclists being assholes and my desire to roll my eyes and park my car right in their stupid green bike boxes.
B: I’m pretty sure Kiala is not going to kill a bicyclist.
Crissy: We totally talked about the Matrix in my post-modernism class. And is your hubby a lesbian? Because it seems the lezzies like those cars.
Rachael: Love your blog, girl. So beautiful.
OG: You’re my hero.
April 21st, 2008 @ 7:39 am
Yay for Archer getting his cast off! And people stopping at green lights are just asking to get rearended. His time will come.
April 21st, 2008 @ 8:54 am
hey, i may drive a subaru wagon but it has a little shy of 400 horsepower.
going slow and obstructing traffic is never my problem.
April 21st, 2008 @ 2:31 pm
I hate people who drive vulvas…oops, I mean Volvos. That guy is damn lucky you didn’t get out of your car and exhibit violence towards him. I think it is safe to say that most people do not have your restraint.