Our Lovely Lawn
Posted on | April 25, 2008 | 14 Comments
Here’s our lovely lawn. Steve’s been working on it. Can you see that center strip where it’s been mowed and the outside area where it hasn’t been mowed in more than eight months. What happened is, we bought a lawn mower for $25. For my long-time blog readers, you’ll remember two days ago when I said we were getting one from Craigslist for $35. (I need to remind my core blog readers of these things because, to the reader, they’re all alcoholics and pill poppers and who fucking knows what they remember from one day to the next. They’ll forget I wrote this shortly, too.)
So what happened was, Steve went to the outer reaches of Portland and bought a lawn mower from a large black man called Leslie. Why did I insert Leslie’s race? Well, because Steve is a tiny white boy from ‘burbs and picturing Steve driving his little Toyota corolla with the California plates to the outskirts of Portland to meet a huge black guy named Leslie both tickled me and scared me all at once.
Steve gets there and pays for the mower with two cigarettes, some dirty playing cards and a shiv with two twenties because the mower was $35. Leslie gives him back a five and a roll of quarters. Steve leaves with the lawnmower and comes home exultant because he got a deal on the lawnmower.
And because we’re both cheap and any deals we can score we celebrate with beer and sexual intercourse.
And then Leslie called him and left a message saying he gave Steve back the wrong change. I don’t know how you hand someone a roll of quarters and not do it intentionally, but whatever. Steve doesn’t call him back because WE GOT A DEAL!
And then Steve tries to mow the lawn for the first time. He gets two stripes done and the mower dies. Not to be revived. But the next day, he is able to start it and mow another stripe and then it dies. And finally, yesterday, one more stripe is cut, but the mower dies again. Why does it do this? Is this a common lawn mower problem? It’s been raining here in Portland for 75 months, so maybe our grass is too wet? Little help here, readers.
Steve called Leslie back and said, “I’ll bring you back the roll of quarters, but I was hoping you could give me some advice on keeping the mower running.” And Leslie hasn’t called back. Now who’s the chump, Leslie? Who’s my bitch?!? Say my name!
Oh, and to the guy who left me a comment about his podcast about lawnmowers and how I should listen to it because I just bought a lawnmower for $35, please understand that unless your podcast is sponsored by the Melissa Lion fan club, and instead of lawnmowers, you’re going to talk about Melissa Lion and how everyone should buy my books and editors across the country should call me to write book reviews for which they’ll pay me a million dollars per review, well, then I’m not going to accept your comment. So don’t leave one today. Unless the previously mentioned conditions are met.
Tags: I live by the streets > lawns > Steve's the man
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14 Responses to “Our Lovely Lawn”
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April 25th, 2008 @ 9:38 am
We own two lawnmowers, and both can just fucking suck it.
The first is a little push reel mower we bought when we first moved into out house a few years ago because a) it was so much cheaper, b) we have a relatively small yard and I don’t get much exercise during my normal routine so why shouldn’t I get off my fat ass and push one around for 10 minutes, and e) because we thought we cared enough about the environment to avoid adding another gas guzzler to the world.
Ha.
Sure, it was cheaper, but it took 8 days to mow the front and back. By the time you finished, it was time to start again.
And the small yard thing? Yeah, they aren’t huge. Front’s easy to do the push reel. But trying to push that thing in the backyard filled with dog-holes? Fuck that. Tried it once. Almost killed the dog and used the pieces of her carcass to fill those pits.
Oh, and we totally hate the environment now. If we were in prison together, I’d make a shiv out of my toothbrush and shank the environment in the yard.
So we bought a cheapish gas one. And it worked fine for a couple of years…
Until a week or two ago, when some stupid spring inside it got snagged on one of our dead plants. Spring stretched out completely, and now the throttle thingie doesn’t work. It starts, but dies instantly.
Now I’m going to have to replace the bloody thing over a three cent spring. It’s like how the Challenger exploded over a 45 cent O-ring or whatever. Except fewer astronauts died.
And I don’t have any Tang.
Good Gods, my comments on your lawn posts are longer than the so-called posts I throw up on my own blog.
April 25th, 2008 @ 10:55 am
We have killed two power mowers and have had them in for endless service and it has not been worth the headache. We got a push mower. Cheap and easy — except when it comes to the mowing, which my husband does, so I’m okay with that.
I think it is hilarious that your lawn looks just like mine right now. Sporting the reverse mohawk-do. My husband got tired pushing the mower around because the grass has grown up to mid-calf level.
We’re considering hiring goats.
April 25th, 2008 @ 11:25 am
If your grass is too wet it’ll fuck it up for sure.
Also, I’m EXTREMELY jealous that you have a tag called “Steve’s the man.” Ari does not have a tag saying that I’m the man.
Perhaps our love is doomed.
April 25th, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
hey!
I almost always remember what I read.
Wait.
What were we talking about?
Something about trimming your bush right?
April 25th, 2008 @ 3:03 pm
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
ALSO, DID I LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON?
WHOSE XANAX IS THIS?
April 25th, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
Justin: That made me feel better.
Bold: I had the goat thought yesterday! I swear we went to high school together or something.
Apollo: Okay, so maybe the grass was too wet. And your love is not doomed. She can still add the tag.
Kristen: I was talking about crotch rot.
KK: The caps lock is only on if you want it to be.
April 25th, 2008 @ 3:23 pm
I wish I had a lawn…
April 25th, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
Grass is meant to be smoked.
April 26th, 2008 @ 10:13 am
It’s only noon here, so I’m still sober enough to be able to respond.
When my grass has grown very, very long (you know, if you go two months between waxings or so) the mower stalls because it chokes on and gets clogged by grass. If you’re able to raise its height off the ground (little levers by the wheels) you might try mowing w/it all the way up, then have to do it again a little lower. Not necess. the prob., but it could be.
Back to pill popping…wait, who the hell are you?
April 27th, 2008 @ 3:45 am
start run then die motor issues are almost always fuel related.
a good idea when firing up any mower that has been sitting for a while is to drain all the gasoline from the tank AND the carburetor float bowl. this is because the gasoline is a blend of hydrocarbons and the more volatile elements will always be the first to evaporate, leaving behind the heavier, sludgy components commonly referred to as varnish. this gums up the tiny internal passages of the carb and prevents proper operation.
on the bottom of the float bowl of the carb there is usually a small pushbutton. it is spring loaded. if you push it, gasoline will flow out. this is the first way you should attempt to drain out the old gas from the float bowl. only do this if your tank is already empty, otherwise you’ll be standing there for hours as you drain the entire tank worth of gas a dribble at a time.
from your description of the operation it sounds like the needle valve in the float assembly is clogged. this prevents gasoline from flowing down from the tank and refilling the float bowl fast enough to keep the engine running at full power. if you can get it to start and run at idle, drain all the gas and refill it with fresh clean gas and let it idle for a half an hour. this will help the fresh gas dissolve the deposits. you can put a bottle of fuel injector cleaner in the mower tank to help the process along as it contains additional solvents and detergents, but only use a shot glass full.
this is why at the end of each season you should drain your tank, drain the float, then run the mower until it starves out–then there will be no fuel left to fuck things up over the winter.
justin, the spring that you have lost is part of the engine speed governor. if you can’t find a spring, it can be replaced with an elastic band, although that will not last long. if the band/spring is too short the engine will sound sluggish and never develop full power, and if it is too long it will sound like it’s revving too fast. the flywheel has fins on it that circulate cooling air, and there is a metal vane that gets pushed by that air that pulls the spring that closes the throttle. you may be able to find a small engine repair place and ask them for a couple of old “pulled” springs that are laying around.
god, i love cocaine.
April 27th, 2008 @ 1:23 pm
I second Ken’s cocaine feelings.
I have no idea what a float bowl is, however.
April 27th, 2008 @ 8:16 pm
WTF is Ride talking about??? I’m a girl and I know nothing about lawn mowers. We have an electric mower and a push mower. I know nothing about either of them and will cry if anyone mentions that maybe I should mow. I can not. I have a wife who does it–and for this I am quite happy. I do put out however–and cook. So it’s all fair.
April 28th, 2008 @ 8:42 am
Ride5000: That’s my kind of talk! Let’s party! (The engine stuff. I gave up blow 20 minutes ago)
April 28th, 2008 @ 9:01 am
I had to marry Ken because my lawn mower was broken.
I was a desperate woman.
That and he has a very impressive, ahem, toolbox.