I Yell Things from Car Windows
Posted on | April 16, 2008 | 14 Comments
I’m a pretty mellow person. No, really I swear it. Except I grew up driving in Southern California. What this means is I save up all of my anger throughout the day and I release it while driving. Problem is, Portland drivers are really, really mellow and what I mean by mellow is fucking slow and by fucking slow I mean retarded. Hey, look up the word retarded in the dictionary. It says right there: (adj.) fucking slow.
Oregon has this nifty law that says drivers must wait until a pedestrian is fully out of the crosswalk before the driver can move. This law is the reason I’ll hold onto my California driver’s license and when it expires in June, I’ll head down to California to renew it. Because that law is retarded. If the person is not in front of my car, then I should be able to go. And sometimes if the person is in front of my car, I should be able to go, but that’s only under certain circumstances. Like if they’re wearing a shirt that says, “The Corrections is the greatest book ever written,” or they’re walking a cat on a leash. I’m kidding about the cat stuff. I was just on a run and I saw a woman walking a cat and I thought, how am I going to reference that on the internet today?
I spent a year driving in Los Angeles, where there is no pedestrian right of way. Sure there’s a little green walking man, but guess what, that doesn’t mean shit to the person in the two ton machine who wants to make a right on the red. Nor should it. Cars are more important than people. That’s not just my opinion either. Plenty of governments are based on this philosophy.
So today Steve was driving my car and he’s a very bad more courteous driver than I am. And he has his Oregon license. So a woman was waiting in the crosswalk and Steve stopped for her to cross and she gave him the nastiest look ever. Well, as you can guess from the first paragraph, this look and the situation in general was forcing me to yell at someone. Either at Steve for stopping for this douchebag, or the douchebag herself.
I started pressing at my electric window and it wouldn’t go down because I drive a RAV4 and the window lock button is right above the down window button so I accidentally lock it all the time. I also lock it because I believe in keeping children and grown men in locked cars in the sunshine as a form of punishment.
I couldn’t open my window and the woman was crossing the street. I needed to yell, so I leaned over Steve and opened his window with the driver’s side window opener and as soon as that shit was cracked, I started yelling.
I think it went something like this: “Hey, you fucking douche, did he or didn’t he stop?” And then when I realized she was yelling right back, I knew I had to keep yelling expletives and yell them louder so she’d be sufficiently sorry and shamed for being a stupid cooz.
I continued: “how about you shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.” And then Steve drove away and he had to tell me over and over about how embarrassing that was. And why did I have to do that.
You know what’s odd — he’s not the first person to be embarrassed by this. I have no understanding of being embarrassed by yelling out the window. You drive away and never see the person again. What’s embarrassing? I feel cleansed afterward. I feel renewed. It’s a cathartic experience. And fully within my rights as an American who pays $3.50 for a gallon of gas.
And my friend Kevin is blogging at Powell’s. Leave him a comment.
Tags: I love my SUV so much I kiss it > I yell things > Portland drivers are retarded
Comments
14 Responses to “I Yell Things from Car Windows”
Leave a Reply
April 16th, 2008 @ 9:33 pm
this is why we’re friends.
April 16th, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
I love the new look! And thank you oh so much for blogrolling me and my P-I-M-P!
When my husband’s car was new, I mean like temporary plates kind of new, he pulled up to the grocery store so I could just run in quick like a bunny. As I opened the door we hear this WHAP! coming from the back of the car and this woman is swearing and yelling.
So I get out.
Apparently, my husband’s back tires were inside the cross walk when this crazy as bat shit bitch decided to enter it and it pissed her off. So she punched his car.
Well I was not having it so I proceeded to scream and swear back at her all throughout the grocery store.
It was so fun. Everyone was staring.
April 16th, 2008 @ 11:50 pm
Pedestrians would really make me mad when I used to live in Portland.
Once, I was spaced out and looking for parking in SW, and at a stop sign I started to go but I didn’t notice this couple of people walking in front of me. I stopped and held my hand up with the “oops, sorry about that” expression. Then this “girl” (monster) starts yelling at me, like “YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US, WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING”
I rolled down my window and said “I’m sorry.” I was being unusually nice at this moment. But the monster kept on, her boyfriend silent.
So I rolled down the window again and said “Look, I apologized you stupid bitch. Get on with your life or fuck off!”
It felt really, really good. The moral is: I too like yelling things out windows. (Or as the case is now, helmets)
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:01 am
THIS NEW BLOG IS SO SHINY!!!!!
April 16th, 2008 @ 7:51 pm
Welcome to the dark side, Ms. Wordpress.
What I really want to know is, do Oregon drivers really obey and respect this law? I can’t imagine it ever flying unless there’s some crazy serious enforcement.
I yell at dogs and cats and squirels and bunnies as they run gleefully around in the street. “You should be more careful!” Then I speed off, embarrassed.
April 16th, 2008 @ 8:22 pm
My problem is I am a passive aggressive driver. You ride my bumper and I’ll go even slower. Ha! Like that? I’m going 15 in a 35, so kiss my bumper! I should just yell and get it over with. You go girl.
P.S. Like the new look.
April 17th, 2008 @ 7:21 am
Q: No enforcement, people just do it.
Bold: Thanks, and aggressive is the key word, I slow down when people tailgate too. We’re from California. It’s what we do.
Apollo: We’re the same.
Crissy: I HATE that woman.
Robert: Do you feel at home in LA? When one yells things and honks in LA, it’s just normal driving.
KK: Thanks! It looks like yours. I do whatever you do.
April 17th, 2008 @ 11:11 am
I HATE PEOPLE! The more I go out the more I want to stay home. I beleive I could live the rest of my days in the confines of my own home, if only Target and the knitting store delivered. Someone flipped me off today and I think it was because I drive a Suburban, well Fuck you. If only my kids didn’t need stuff and want to go to school and participate in activities, I might be able to live my life on my own property and never have to deal with finger-flipping, slurpee drinking, jerks again.
Thanks for having this great blog. I laugh everytime I read it. I also think sometimes we ate the same.
April 17th, 2008 @ 11:19 am
That is suppose to be “are the same”, I suffered a blow to the head on Tuesday and I am not quite right
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
Bus drivers and pedestrians and sweet fluffy bunnies make me want to yell expletives all the fucking time.
I flipped someone off last week and called him a “dick” through a closed window. I’m sure he got the picture. But then I feel bad because people are REALLY NICE and want to so try and be like them. THen I get bored and start wishing for small bombs that I can attach to my Kia.
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:23 pm
So… obviously the “recovering” part of being a Californian is not going so well. Perhaps Steve could join a band? Then he would acquire a weed habit which would allow you to have a weed habit.
Said weed habit might give you the ability to chill the fuck out. Is being an ass behind the wheel a disease they give medical marijuana cards out for? What about being from California?
April 17th, 2008 @ 4:32 pm
You’re my favoritest. We have that same rule in Washington and sometimes I lay on my horn when people follow it…because I have a bad case of road rage.
April 19th, 2008 @ 8:02 am
[...] 19, 2008 · No Comments A few days ago I posted about how suck-tacular Portland drivers are. And I felt like there was a wee bit of blowback and [...]
May 13th, 2008 @ 10:42 pm
not to mention the conundrum when you get to a four-way stop… Jesus Almighty Christ.
I just blow through them now, instead of the never-ending “no you go. no YOU go! no, really, really, you.”