I have a potty mouth
Posted on | April 17, 2008 | 15 Comments
I thought I’d keep with my theme of what a cunning linguist I am and tell you about Archer’s new words. Arch is going through a language explosion. He says whatever you say to him. Which is fine because I’ve cleaned my language up a lot since he started doing this.
Except yesterday when I screamed out the car window, but he was asleep, and at the very least he heard it and it entered into his baby subconscious and calling women douchebags will emerge later in life. Like when he’s an adult and then he’ll learn his lesson about using that word when no one will sleep with him. Unless he’s a Republican pro-life lobbyist, which is actually Steve’s and my worst fear for him. Those guys get play pretty regularly and call women douchebags all the time. At least that’s my completely unbiased and educated opinion on the matter. No, I don’t know why I think this. I guess because if you’re a pro-life lobbyist, you’re sort of the mac daddy of the Republican party. I mean the only way you’d have more Republican street cred is if you’re the guy at Abu Ghraib who makes sure the waterboards are perfectly flat or the guy who says, “Brown people, shmrown people, they gots the oil, bomb those fuckers. Here’s 85 zillion dollars to do so.”
Sorry about the political rant. My homepage is the Washington Post and the first thing I saw when I opened the internet this morning was a picture of all of those popes at the baseball field and I just felt something unnatural was happening in this country and hmmm maybe I should just take a jaunt down to Cuba. Except I wouldn’t do that because it’s illegal.
Archer and his mouth. Well, he’s saying fuck. But what’s interesting is that he’s not just saying it all helter skelter. He’s got a specific thing he’s saying. He sighs really loudly and says, “fuck me” all exasperated. *Heavy sigh* Fuuuuck Meeeee. The first time I couldn’t believe it. I had to hear it again. And then he got frustrated with one of his toys, *Sigh* Fuck me.
And then I went into my room and laughed my ass off because it was really funny and because I was a little proud that my little man understands the appropriate times to use this phrase, like when you’re a mom and why the fuck can’t anyone in the house understand that I’m the one who cleans it up. Except yesterday when Steve cleaned the toilet and he was duly rewarded. And another thing, why don’t guys understand that if you clean, you will get sex. It’s simple. And yet, they prefer to not clean and not have sex. Peculiar.
Where was I? Potty mouth. Well, Steve heard Arch say this last night but I tried to cover for the whole thing because Steve doesn’t swear and he’d know the cussing was totally my fault and I couldn’t even begin to pawn it off on someone else, because I’m the only one around here who’s a martyr enough to use such an expression.
Archer: *sigh* fuck me.
Me: SO STEVE, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME TODAY AND INTELLIGENT AND MY WHAT IS THAT COMIC BOOK ABOUT?
Archer: Fuuuuck
Me: STEVE YOU ARE THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, SOMEONE SHOULD ELECT YOU PRESIDENT, CAN I CLEAN THE TOILET BECAUSE I NEVER WANT YOU TO SULLY YOUR FINGERS ON SOMETHING SO MUNDANE.
Archer: Fuck me.
Steve: What is he saying?
Me: I don’t know.
Steve: Sounds like he’s saying fuck me.
Me: Nooooo.
Steve: No, it really does.
Me: You don’t hear so good.
Steve: HE IS! He’s saying fuck me!
Me: God, he’s expressing himself, why are you such an oppressor?
Steve: I know where he got that from.
Me (tearing off my clothes): You are so hot for cleaning the toilet, let’s put on a Disney video so most of Archer’s critical thinking faculties will be shut down for an hour and a half and we can go have sex. How’s that sound?
Steve jumped up and put the DVD in and we shut our bedroom door where I proceeded to WIN THAT ARGUMENT.
Yay me.
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15 Responses to “I have a potty mouth”
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April 17th, 2008 @ 8:50 am
I’m not typically a big fan of kids, even though I really want a boy really badly because I never had a Dad and it drives me to want to be a Dad so badly that sometimes I cry on the subway when I see a Dad and son do the simplest thing like smile at each other, but to me Archer sounds like he’s awesome.
April 17th, 2008 @ 9:08 am
Fuck me.
I’m trying really, really, really hard to contain my uncontrollable, red-faced, teary eyed laughing at work.
My daughter is quite the little talker too and stuff we say around the house comes out at random playback at the worst moments. We were at the playground yesterday when she exclaimed “that kid’s a stupid douche!”
What do you say at that moment? What?
April 17th, 2008 @ 9:15 am
Chris: Archer is awesome. And he has a potty mouth like I do. I am not awesome.
Kristen: OMG, I totally say that to Archer. Like if a kid is being a little shit, I say, “Don’t worry, that kid’s a stupid douche and he’ll flunk out of his school. You’re smarter and better.” The sick part is, I’d say it to the kid too.
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:04 pm
Love the new blog honey, just love it. P.S. My son used to sit next to me and comment on other drivers. “Nice turn signal prick” well, that was my favorite.
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:24 pm
you are awesome. don’t be ridiculous.
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Agreed. The new digs are nice. But where’s all the old posts? What am I going to do the next time I want to check out that booty.
Or is that why you moved? Are you trying to deny me pics of your booty?
April 17th, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
I’m just waiting for the day when she drops an f-bomb.
I will simultaneously want to high five her and wash her mouth out.
And Chantel’s comment reminded me that the other day I called another driver an asshole and she said Asshole? What’s asshole mommy?”
“Everyone baby, everyone.”
April 17th, 2008 @ 2:06 pm
You are doing all the right things lady. Keep it up.
April 17th, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Chantel: I used to do the same thing when my mom drove. My mom is an amazing cusser and I learned at her knee.
Apollo: Thank you. You’re kind.
Nels: When are you getting a blog?
Crissy: That is the right response.
KK: Thank you.
April 17th, 2008 @ 3:58 pm
I need to have a kid. They are like little self-contained parrot/robot/sociological experiments/bundles of fun.
Wait, what am I saying?!
April 17th, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
Hi-freakin’-larious – I had to run to the bathroom halfway through. I once made the mistake of saying shit in front of my 3-yr old nephew and he very solemnly told me that I would have to go to timeout. Kids – they’re a kick in the pants.
April 17th, 2008 @ 7:45 pm
This made me laugh out loud. For real.
April 17th, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
Robert: The great thing is you can influence them to believe anything at all. ANYTHING. It’s awesome that Al Gore is president and we’re richer than Bill Gates.
Meg: I need a time out.
Q: I’m glad. When are you moving here? I have no gay men whose couches I can lie on and feel at once languid and admired and slightly condemned. I need this in my life and Portland is missing that for me.
April 18th, 2008 @ 8:17 am
That has got to be the funniest story ever! Mike and I both swear…we also swear it will probably get our son kicked out of preschool, whenever that happens.
April 18th, 2008 @ 2:27 pm
ZOMG. i laughed so hard at this. if i had kids, their first word would likely be “fuck” with lots of u’s (used equally often to express either extreme joy or annoyance), which probably is the most frequent word out of my mouth.
“languid and admired and slightly condemned” = a SO TRUE clause.
we should be real life friends. i am all about the early happy hours.